By Bo Sanchez

I was sexually abused when I was eight years old.

A cousin who was ten years old lived with us for some time, and as a curious kid, I was in awe in him because he seemed so strong and skilled and in control.

“Do this or suffer the consequences,” was his favorite line to me. He’d use it when he wanted me to do errands for him, like buy Coke or chips from the sari-sari store. He’d used it when he abused me sexually.

One day, he asked me to enter his room –and I liked doing that because it was filled with books and other odd items.

First, he showed me a pornographic book filled with nude women. As an eight-year old kid, I remember not being affected by what I saw, except for the fact that there was something oddly wrong with what I was looking at.

He then made me lie down in his bed and removed my trousers. He lay down beside me and went fondling me.

I couldn’t understand what he was doing to me. but I distinctly remember how I disliked what he was doing, and decided to stop it. So I made a motion to stand up, but he pushed me down.

He then growled, “Stay or suffer the consequences.”

After abusing me some more, he let me go.

I don’t even recall how I felt walking out of his room. Perhaps because it was too painful, I shelved it, buried it deep within me to a place I thought I’d never visit again. I was wrong.

One More Time

When I was thirteen years old, I was sexually molested again, but by this time, it was done by my prayer group leader.

I was already involved with a Christian group at that time, giving Life in the spirit of Seminars to different provinces all over the country. As a young kid, I loved the Lord and enjoyed him zealously, it was one of the most exhilarating times of my life. Already I was giving talks, leading worship and counseling a lot of young people.

One day, in passing, someone mentioned to me that my leader was a homosexual- but because he didn’t look like one, I didn’t give into much thought.

Soon after that, a group of us gave a Life in the Spirit Seminar in a faraway city. We had to stay overnight in one of the homes of our host.

Five or six of us slept in one room, and our leaders arranged our sleeping arrangements. The older guys, were assigned to the floor, while the leader and I shared a big sized bed.

In the middle of the night, I was awakened by someone lowering my shorts to my knees. In the darkness, I saw my half-naked leader, climbing on top of me.

I remember not being able to move, being too shocked to lift a muscle. Years later, I’d hate myself for not being violent at that point. This feeling of being a coward worsened my feelings of shame for what happened to me.

It didn’t last very long. He moved back to his place and slept. I was still dazed, and upon realizing what happened, cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, the guys gathered in the living room, I was last to join them, not knowing what to expect. Our leader was in the middle of the group, his eyes closed, his hands clasp while leading our morning prayers.

It remains to be one of the disgusting scenes I have ever seen in my life.

Escaping the Pain

For many years since then, I was in bondage to masturbation, and there were many times when I was drawn to pornography. This was happening even as I rose in my responsibilities as a young Catholic leader. People were flickering everytime I preached, but none of them knew the terrible guilt that was eating up my soul. I hate myself. I totally abhorred what I was doing, but it was as though I was irrevocably chained to this habit.

There were days when I’d fall, and hate myself so much because I was going to preach in a few hours. I felt like a total hypocrite. But it seemed as though I was shackled and forever condemned to this sick way of life.

I couldn’t reconcile the fact that I was falling repeatedly to the same sin, while at same time recognizing that deep within me, I knew that I loved the Lord. But why did I feel so powerless against my sexual urges?

Slowly, I began to realize how I was escaping the inner pain of hatred towards myself. People abused me, and unconsciously, I concluded that I was because I deserved to be abused. This is irrational thinking. But this is insane logic of all victims of abuse.

That I was abused because it was my fault.

That at my very core – minus my talents and achievements – I’m very unlovable.

All these years, I’ve realized how much I tried to seek for that love. To prove that statement wrong.

I was incredibly exhausting to try to please people all my life and try to gain their love, and so I escaped by sexual pleasure. Testosterone was like a drug to me: It made me forget my inner pain. Unknown to me, sexual fantasizing simulated the intense feelings of being loved – something I was deeply searching for.

Because as a child, I was bullied by an adult into having sex, and because I seemingly “allowed” myself to be victimized so that I wouldn’t lose the approval of people I held in high esteem – playing the role of the abused became a habit I was unconsciously repeating.

Psychologists say we tend to repeat destructive patterns in our lives. I found self love and acceptance in sexually abusing myself.

Sheer idiocy. But unconsciously, I accepted it.

And many addicts. No matter what the addiction, believes in the same lie.

A Few Other Problems

I also had an approval-addiction, probably fiercer than my sexual addiction. Now note: it’s quite normal to want approval form people/ but when this becomes the over-riding, all -consuming motive for all that your do in your life, you’re sick.

And this describes my situation very well. Every act, every word, every deed, every project, every gesture that I do is designed to make people like me. Every talked I give, every song I compose, every community I build, every article I write, every relationships I begin... it’s all a desperate search for love.

If someone, especially someone who was close to me, showed a sign of disfavor, disapproval, even jut a raise eyebrow, I melt. I panic. I die. Because to us approval-addicts when someone does not like us, we feel like dying.

Thus, I also try to avoid any king of conflicts with anyone. I hate confronting people. And consequently, I never got angry. Never. In fact, people praised me for being the most patient person in the universe. Because of this, I felt I was very, very Christian.

But how untrue this was! Now, I realize that it isn’t very loving not be angry when there is need to be angry at the sin of others. Also, by not being angry at sin, I allowed others to abuse me emotionally – another result of repeating destructive patterns: If I was abused sexually before, why not allow others to abuse me emotionally?

It was an approval-addiction, and it was a prison I couldn’t escape from, no matter how much I tried.

This was fueled by other inner wounds of the past which I discovered along the way: my parents though faithfully loving, weren’t physically expressive in there affections towards me. Nor did they like taking about emotional issue in the open, but expressed it in hidden, camouflaged or anger ways. (They were non- confrontational in the sense that they didn’t discuss why they were angry.) And when u was a kid, some relatives were teasing me endlessly about being coward. I could go on and on...

Understand that these are pretty common scenarios in any family, but see how these seeming small hurt can define your make-up today. (Addictions can be anything that lets you escape facing your inner pain; it can be an addiction to alcohol, gambling, work, food, religious activities, peculiar behaviors etc.)

Incomplete Healing

After many years, I’ve been able to overcome my compulsion to masturbation. It gradually faded away. And though my approval addiction isn’t totally healed, I’m now able to confront people when that is the most loving thing to do: tell then I’m angry, and tell them why.

To this day, I still am plagued by sexual fantasies when I’m exhausted, lonely and under pressure.

But too am experiencing the love of Jesus, I believe, in a greater way. Slowly, He’s healing me of my deepest wounds. As I write this article, I cannot say that I am totally free form my bondages- because I’m not , but I write to you with powerful hope stirring within my soul. Because of His love, I’m on the way to real freedom.

Through my experience, I have learned something very important about life. It is truth that sets me free.

When I hid my sins and addictions (when I denied that I even had a problem!) I remained in darkness. And the “power of the lie” grew within me, robbing me of joy and peace and blessing.

And when I tried to avoid facing my past hurts – the sexual abuse I suffered in my life - I too was running away from the truth. I didn’t like to face the pain within me – I just wanted to go on with life and move forward. Forger the past, I advised myself. Just love God and do the right thing.

But my bondage, like a hidden monster, which was a result of not facing my inner pain, was getting bigger and stronger.

When I bury the dull throb of hidden wounds, and ignore it as though it wasn’t there, I do feel my desperate need for God. And that was exactly what was happening to me.

But when I faced it squarely, and entered fully into the emotions of my grief, my anger and my shame because of what happened – I saw God in a totally new way.

He was big enough to heal me. I didn’t know that because I didn’t know I was sick in the first place.

Feel Like A Failure

As you read this article, you might be wondering what all this had got to do with you, “I don’t have a sexual addiction,” you say.

Fine, but you see, I’m speaking to anyone who has experience any failure, in his life.

I want to talk to failures, or to people who believe they are.

If you’ve been cheated and betrayed by your best friend, your spouse, your parents, I’m speaking to you. If you’ve been abused physically, emotionally, or spiritually – by anyone, I’m speaking to you. If have a habitual sin that has plagued you all through these years and you seem powerless to remove it, I’m speaking to you.

If you think there’s no more hope for you, listen I tell well.

I don’t speak from a vacuum.

I don’t speak from lofty principles I’ve read in a book.

I’m speaking from firsthand experience.

I’ve learned that God can build from failures.

His construction material isn’t always the best, because He’s a carpenter that ‘makes do’ with what’s available. And what s available in our torn-down lives isn’t very nice.

A Movement to Start Afresh

What follows next may seem terribly simplistic because what I write down as a “step” using a few lines may take years to accomplish! Also, they aren’t steps that are done because one chooses to do them. But because one opens one’s self to the movement of grace. And how do you open your self to grace of you don’t know you need it.

These elements aren’t chronologically arranged either, in the sense that you take the first one, then move on the next. Rather it is an upward spiral that one visits and revisits again and again, back and forth, as the Spirit of God leads you day by day.

1. Face the Past

The first step to overcoming failures is not to forger the past, but to enter into the past again with courage and humility. To face your failures, and not to run away form them, to admit where you were hurt, and reenter the volatile, yet unfelt emotions that are connected to these past events.
Perhaps you need to set aside time from your business. Frantic activity and workaholism are drugs that we use to run away form the truth of our past. Sit down, keep quiet for a couple of days, and pray for the Lord to point out areas of deep hurt in your life.

2. Seek Loving Friends

Talk about your past. Share it with trusted friends. Confess your sins. Make yourself vulnerable to them, live in the light. Embrace the truth. And allow people to love you in your weakness.
For once, be real. I’ve realized that the best way of loving others isn’t to do acts of service for them. Love is much deeper than doing a lot of nice things for one another, love is about intimacy, and intimacy doesn’t happen until one courageously removes masks – and as a Catholic leader, I believe that the best service I give my flock is to become real to them.

And deep down, that what all of us are searching for.

3. Allow Yourself to Grieve

I hate being emotional, I prided myself for being a cerebrally-oriented, stoic male. I rarely shed tears. But today, I realize that God had a purpose for my capacity to grieve. To weep. To shed tears of sorrow. He doesn’t put my ability to mourn for nothing. It has a crucial purpose for the healing of my wounds.

Do not be afraid to weep for your failure or your hurts. Grieve before the Lord. Grieve before others, and allow the comfort of the Lord enter in you richly.

I also don’t believe that we should forced people to forgive “now” those who hurt us whether they feel like it or not, especially when it comes to abuse victims. These people need to go through the emotions of anger and grief, without short-circuiting this natural process with a quick, instant “I forgive-him-and-forget-about-it” fix. After feeling the anger, and presenting themselves to God with their inner rage, I believe that forgiveness towards others will be more genuine and free when the right time comes. We need to be more respectful toward this material emotional pace as well as the unique movement of grace in each person’s life.

4. Seek Grace Desperately

All these stages will bring you to the best place for your heart to be in: broken and wounded and needy. Unless cracks appear, his healing grace cannot trickle in and heal what needs to be healed
Because you see how much you need His love, His power, His touch, His glory, it becomes necessary for Him to move. For the great physician, has not come to heal those are well, but those who are sick. Who know they are sick

5. Receive Love

Someone who has failed feels very unlovable. Anyone who has been hurt, especially in childhood, unconsciously thinks that he was hurt because he deserver being hurt- because bottom –line he really is unlovable. More common than we think, many people hate themselves. (Note: We think, many people hate themselves. On the contrary, many selfish people are selfish because they’re insecure, haven’t been loved even by themselves.)

But this is what grace does: As we seek God, we see intense, unconditional love, gently flowing towards what we consider to be a very unlovable creature: ourselves. And this ocean of love is surrounding us, immersing us forever.

My prescription: We need to allow ourselves to be deeply loved.

I recommended time for regular quite prayer where you simply allow the affectionate gaze of God to rivet you, hold you captive, and imprison you in the wounds of His heart. Do not hold back. Use your imagination to picture the greatest truth of all time. Let him carry you and sway you as a mother does a child, imagine yourself as a baby, or at the age when you where hurt. Let him sing you a lovesong as He does this. This isn’t fiction. This is the deepest desire of His soul, the plan of His heart from the very beginning of time.

6. Returning to Old Truths

What old truths? The crucial need to repent and take responsibility. (I have a reason why I placed this at the last place, so suspend your question and read on first.)

Repent of your addiction, no matter what the habitual sin is. Though it is true that it was fueled by the violence and abuse of others, it was still a repeated choice that you made through the years. You decided to give in to it, every time you feel. You sinned against your self, others and God.

See the Lord’s hatred for your sin and His jealous love for you. Own that hatred and claim that love. Ask for His forgiveness. Yes, repent of your sin.

I know what you’re thinking right now: you’ve tried this so many times before, and it didn’t work. You kept falling back into the same old dung heap.
That’s why I placed this here, at the last step.

I sincerely believe that before repenting, we first of all have to be brought to that place where we’re desperate for that love. (In the Gospel, Jesus proclaimed repentance t o tax collectors and prostitutes, but only after He gave them friendships, eating meals and fellowshipping with them. He first of all loved them in a way that no religious leaders did.)

Next: Take responsibility. Make Choices to do the rigth things: Avoid temptation, strengthen your relationship with God, put order in your life. Reconcile with those whom you are in conflict with etc.

Again, I hear you, “I’ve tried this before. Didn’t work.”

But that’s not what I’m talking about.

That’s why this is the last step.

This won’t be “will power” Christianity, because as an addict trying to cut clean, you’ve failed miserably doing it on your own.

Because now, at the core of your being, taking steps to overcome your sin “by His grace” is no longer a pious platitude – as something you say to sound theologically correct, but at the back of your mind, you actually believe that it’ll be your own effort that ‘ll do the trick.

No more. You are broken now. Very broken.

It has to be God, first, second. And third.

And you, very humbly and fearfully taking responsibility for the areas that he gave you power to Choose.

Final Word

This inner pilgrimage is still a pilgrimage to holy lands: When you visit the ruins of your past self, destroy by the evil acts of others and yourself, you touch the rubble of past glory. But beneath what is physically, psychologically, and even spiritually broken, one discovers the undying presence of loving God. One discovers, with great shock, the sacredness of the site that He was there all along.

He has never abandoned you.

So, I asked you: move on

Start afresh.

Because His mercy is new every morning

As we seek God,

We see intense, unconditional, gentle love 
Flowing towards what we consider to be 
A very unlovable creature: ourselves. And his ocean of love is surrounding us, immersing us forever.