[Editor’s note: You may read Elena’s article, ‘I Thought God didn’t care’, at www.misyononline.com by typing her name in the search box].

I told my oncologist honestly that I was running out of finances to continue treatment. I was supposed to have regular checkups for at least five years and go through a series of laboratory tests. Cancer is a wasting disease both to the patients’ health and their pockets. It drains money by the thousands and even millions for the rich.

I could not, for the rest of my life, survive on ‘dole outs’ from my siblings considering that they have families of their own to support. They were opposed, of course, to my decision to stop seeing my doctor. Although at my age now (68) I belong to the so-called ‘endangered species’, come what may, I must be practical and yet fight cancer to the very end by way of guts and courage through prayer and constructive thinking. I assured my brothers that with divine intervention I will enjoy more years of life beyond cancer, minus medications. I was confident enough. I could feel it. Anyway, we’ll all go eventually because we’re all living on borrowed time.

A born winner

I told myself, ‘Be strong to face the consequences in the coming days. From now onwards no more anti-cancer drugs for you. You should wake up to the reality that I can only provide you with supplements. That’s all.’ People close to me say I am queer, funny and gutsy in the sense that I gamble with life unnecessarily. But for me, there is no unnecessary gambling because life itself is a gamble . . . a game.

Where there is life there’s always a challenge. Without it, life would have no direction, purpose or meaning at all. What matters is how to handle it. Life is a journey on rough roads, it is said. Yes. It is. Yet, the road ahead may be smoother. Hopefully.

Someone commented that I am both a joker and a fighter. Yes, I am and even more than a fighter, I am a bornwinner . . . not of prosperity or opportunities but rather of adversities, struggles and challenges. No hard feelings. All these I offer to the Lord for His greater glory. I have learned a lasting lesson after putting up a fight with Him in the past. It brought me nowhere and I ended up turning back to Him for sanctuary. Those were the days. Now, this explains why I turn to praising Him in spite of pain.

Living life

Whenever I have the chance, I reach out to cancer–stricken individuals to bring them hopeful news about cancer and my experiences with it, spiced with humor to perk them up. Some are accommodating and appreciative, asking for more visits, which I gladly do. Some are less responsive, like those sporting an end-of-the-world look in spite of their fortune.

Many cancer patients I have known gave in to too much self-pity. There were cancer patients who would have recovered gradually and regained health had they not indulged in it. Self-pity kills. They believed that cancer is synonymous with mortality. NO. It is not. It is how you look and handle it. Look at things positively always. Let us by all means be positive in our outlook and attitudes towards life, by turning impossibilities into possibilities.

A few months after a surgical operation, I planted knee-high grafted durian and rambutan trees in my backyard. A neighbor asked if it was not already too late to plant considering that I was old and sickly, that I might not be able to see them bear fruit. ‘Let us see. What if more years are added to my life? I might even outlast them,’ I said. Four years and three months later I was privileged to enjoy their fruit. One durian tree died because of over-watering. I’ve outlasted it.

Last year on 20 February I had my gallstones removed. I checked out the following day, with the doctor’s approval, took a leisurely walk at the mall to shed off the effects of the anesthesia and to reactivate sleeping organs.

Two sides of cancer

In my case, I would say that cancer has two sides to it, what I call the takeit and leave-it sides. TAKE IT. . . seriously, be very sorry for yourself. Then your days are numbered in spite of your fortune. One could go before his time earlier than expected if negativity of mind prevails. LEAVE IT . . . to the will of God. Pray and relax. Accept and trust. Enjoy more fruitful years of life beyond cancer. LET US FIGHT CANCER TO THE END! This may be challenging yet amusing but let’s declare, ‘NO DEAL WITH CANCER!’

Based on experience, I think the moneyed and the less privileged differ in attitude on the matter in the sense that the latter don’t mind or create so much fuss over health problems because they lack time, or may have none at all, to think about it. For me, I don’t have time to give it a thought.

I get weary when my work is done at the end of the day. Tired but not dispirited. I am kept busy by my day-to-day struggles for survival. I read books on cancer extensively. This explains why cancer is no longer a stranger to me. Although treacherous, since it recurs anytime, we are given time to prepare ourselves before it brings us to the next life.

What tomorrow holds

The beautiful lines by one cancer victim, ‘I do not know what tomorrow holds but I know who holds tomorrow’ is something for us to reflect on. It is a wake up call that we must at all times keep ourselves ready to face That-Holder-Of- Tomorrow-Up-There when He beckons us to the next life one day to stand before Him because He will do an audit of our life.

I usually feel discomfort around the lumbar area of my spine. I readily attribute it to osteoarthritis. When pain strikes I say ‘Lord, if this is it – metastatic cancer – so be it. Your will be done. But, Lord make it bearable for me’. Christ Himself suffered. He knows what it is to suffer.

It may sound funny but the truth is I don’t feel like dying at this point in time. I feel there are still little things to attend to before my time is up. Hopefully, I can make it before the bell tolls for the final call.

Now I am into small farming, planting corn and backyard gardening, planting vegetables. I may consider orchid-raising again if time permits. For the past four decades I was so engrossed in my work that I didn’t notice how time had passed until cancer almost took me. Life goes beyond cancer! Earlier I was considering going back to school. I’ve never been to any higher institution of learning, which explains why I have always craved for a taste of college life. Everybody laughed at me. Past midnight already, they said. Education is a continuing process. Now what prevented me from pursuing it was that one culprit – my high school card. The majority of my grades seemed to have just checked out of the intensive care unit, sickly and poor ratings.

My thanks

I would like to express my sincere thanks and gratitude to the people from far-flung areas who, although unknown to me, wrote me letters of concern and prayers after reading my story in Misyon. To the people around me, relatives and friends, thank you for your support. To my beloved brothers and their families, thank you for your love, concern and attentive care. I understand you’ll all miss me when I am gone forever being the only rose among the thorns, though faded and withered, battered by time. Joke only. Thank you very much in advance for helping me make it through the night. It is a touching consolation for an ‘old rose’ to see herself surrounded by colorful young butterflies (nephews, nieces and grandchildren) who admire and adore this ‘flower’ although devoid of its tenderness, color and scent. Beauty lost forever. Joke only. Excuse me, but I do love jokes because I love to make people laugh if possible. It drives boredom away. At times they are jolted by my directness and honesty. God loves to play jokes too, though painfully sometimes.

Hopefully, I will be able to contribute another write-up on my experiences of cancer and my courageous fight with it through prayer and positive thinking about the future, if God blesses me with more years of life. Thank you Lord for giving me strength and courage to face what lies ahead.

You may write to:
Elena Ang
Sta Cruz, Jimenez
7204 Misamis Occidental
PHILIPPINES