By Heidi Lyn O. Veran

The author is a 22- year-old resident of Muntinlupa City. She dedicates this letter to her father and to all other fathers.

Dear Father,

When I was still in my mother’s womb, you set your plans for me. When I was born into this world, you had such high hopes for me just like you did for my other siblings. The first time you held me in your arms you felt your first bliss as my father. You called me your little star, for my eyes were big, round, shining and smiling. You would rock me to sleep, humming your gentle songs, while looking at me and dreaming about what I would become someday. You always said, ‘There’s my child,’ with your proud smile.

When I became a toddler, you always saw to it that I was well taken care of, especially when you weren’t around. You taught me how to walk and talk. It made you so happy when I did things perfectly. Then you sent me to school. I knew that was your first step to let me be on my own. I was frightened, but you gave me your soothing words of love and encouragement. You said that I must. I must make friends and I must learn about so many things I just can’t learn from home. You only said that soon, I will like school. Your words all came true. I began to like school. I made friends. I got great education. I made you so happy and proud of me. I’m so happy and proud of you too, Father. You gave me gifts and so many rewards for every good thing that I did. There was a time when I began to think of myself as a spoiled brat.

You loved, trusted and protected me so much. You were so afraid that my kindness and innocence would be abused by the outside world. You appointed my brother to protect and watch over me. But one day he failed and you punished him. Mother wept and felt so sorry for my brother because it was my fault. I fooled around. I began to wonder if Mother hated me. Of course, she did not. She was the bestmother ever.

In spite of all the good things you gave me, Father, one day, I ran away from home. I don’t know why I did it, I just wanted to. Maybe I was suffocated by too much love and too much protection. I hated you for making me so dependent on you. It was like you had me on such tight leash that I needed to escape. I asked myself, ‘Why did I always have to obey you? Is it because I am only your daughter?’ I ran away, determined to live my life without you.

It was hard. I thought you’d curse me for what I did so that I would never make it. There were times when I felt I had to go back to you but no, I had to stand alone. I had to survive, until I could show you that, indeed, I made it. I wanted to make it on my own because I wanted to hurt you.

But things change.

After two years, I returned home. Yes, I returned home. I remember that day vividly.

I was standing at the door. Thoughts were flooding my mind. My heart was pounding. I was standing there all mixed up with guilt, embarrassment, pride and even hatred. Part of me didn’t want to return home without proving something. I was so nervous, I wanted to walk away. But something was pulling me back. Maybe the door was not just a piece of wood separating the world of my future from the world of my past. Maybe behind that door was the answer I was seeking the past two years.

I continued to torment myself with these thoughts, getting more and more confused. I felt like shouting and crying. But I knew I had to do this. Sighing, I raised my hand like it was a mallet, ready to make the final judgment on my future. But before I could even tap at the door, it opened.

There you were, Father, astounded but smiling. And the words you said to me then, I can never forget. ‘I knew this time would come. I knew you’d come back home. I’m glad you have. We’ve missed you a lot. Welcome home, my little star.’ I expected that you punished me or rebuked me for being prodigal daughter. But there you were, embracing me, accepting me back and forgiving me. When you kissed my forehead like you used to, I know you still loved me. When you called me your little star, I knew that I was still your special one. When you embraced me and welcome me home, I was like a newborn baby cradled in your arms. I cried. Tears of surrendering, hurt, guilt, anger, fear. Most of all, I cried tears of joy. I knew I was forgiven.

That experience taught me a lot. It made me realize that the fulfillment in returning home was not because I was able to prove something. It was because when I returned home, you accepted me back, because you love me, even if I was wrong – reality wrong. I was wrong to hate you, to dislike the life you gave me. I was wrong to run away. It was I who made things complicated. I kept thinking about mu ‘freedom’ while you only thought about my welfare. You only gave me a good thing in life.

Thank you for your love. It has given me the real freedom that I should have. It has helped me grow; it has given me strength and has made me a better person. I learned all these things from you, and with that, I will always be your child, and you will always be my father, holding my hand, leading my way back home.

I’m glad to be home.

Your Little Star