By Johnny Hagad

Titay Hagad, a life long committed Christian and our own dear promoter of MISYON, departed this life two years ago, Johnny, her husband, has kindly given us permission to print the following from the book he wrote, Looking Back for Tomorrow.

It was on the Eve of Christmas of 1995 when a bolt fell from the sky. For sometime, Titay had been coughing but we both dismissed it as caused by the weather. By December, however, I had become worried by its persistence and on December 24th I told her we had better consult a doctor. She agreed to go to the hospital for a medical check-up, after the New Year, we flew to Manila for the Scan, Dr. Villalon confirmed tour worst fears. It was positively lung cancer which had already spread, asked what he suggested for treatment, the doctor said: “Don’t touch it. Just live as normal a life as you can.”

The night before the scan, Titay and I talked about her condition and how we would meet this crisis. We had prayed a lot condition and how we would meet this crisis. We had prayed a lot to God and both of us were secure in our relief that God knew best and we would accept His Will without question. In the face of the verdict of the doctor, we made our decision to put the matter completely in God’s hand, without complaining, without questioning. For Titay, she would tell me over and over, that this was God’s gif to her – why on Christmas?

The specter of her dying never left us, the fear of it would grip us; but always, always, God’s gentle assurance that all would be for the best in the end, sustained us. With the thought of Titay’s condition ever present, I made the decision to give her all my attention and put everything else on hold. She was feeling well, except for the coughing which would not leave her. She had appetite for good food, slept well, and her physical condition showed no change during the moths that followed, she kept her good humor and never lost her zest in life. We visited friends, joined the CFM meetings. Titay never slackened in her insurance work and continued to hold her classes in French, she would tell me, time and time again. “God is dealing gently with me.”

During this time, we talked a lot about her condition and the possibility, of its deterioration, she said she was not afraid of dying and made me promise that when her situation became critical I would not consent to any extraordinary measures to prolong her life. She said her meeting with Jesus she looked forward to with eagerness and should not be delayed, not even for a brief moment. And she told me not to grieve too long but I should go on with my life after she was gone. To assure me, she would say she would take care of me once she is in heaven.

Titay was that gentle soul who did not want others to be burdened on her account. As her condition gradually worsened, she would get up in the middle of the night, seized by terrible hunger. She would mix her milk and wash the glasses herself, not wanting to bother me, but when she got up, I would be awakened and would take over. She would gently chide me for not letting her do the thing herself, and in turn I would scold her for not giving me the chance to serve her. Evidence of her deteriorating was brought home to me as I watched her struggle to crochet the pair of booties and bonnet that she had earlier promised for the christening of Danny’s recently borne Jun-Jun. She would sit by the window with her crochet needle and thread, time after time, she would lay down the needle, rest her head on the back of the chair and close her eyes, evidently tired by the exertion. Through sheer determination she finished the job and Jun-Jun had his booties and bonnet on the day he was baptized, only several hours earlier before his Lola died.

During the ten days she was in the hospital, her decline was very noticeable. The last three days, she was too weak and complained she did not have strength even to chew. The doctor advised that she be fed through the nose, I knew the end was near. It was Sunday when it became visibly certain that she was dying. Even with artificially administered oxygen, her lungs could not hold enough air to vibrate her vocal chords. Her lungs were filled with fluid. She could utter sounds only in broken syllables.

That Sunday night, I feared that she would go. The children were all there to visit her and just when they were about to leave that evening she uttered a sound which Betty though sounded like “Picture...” Betty asked, “Did you say picture, Mommy. Do you want a picture taken of all of us together?” Titay gave a sign of assent, and so we all gathered around her bed for the picture taking. She held on to life that night.

To the very end, Titay was in control of her life. From the noon that Monday morning, it was plain that she would go. Her breathing was labored, and it was most evident that her life was ebbing away. The children and myself were at her bedside, waiting for the end to come. Jo Ann, a niece who had just returned after serving as a nurse in Germany, examined her and told us that the end was not yet, so all the children decided to shave off a few minutes to go to the hospital canteen below for coffee. I was left alone in the room with Titay. It must have been around two o’clock in the afternoon. I began to notice that there was a change especially when there was a sound from her that disturbed me. I was holding her arm and I could feel that life was draining out. And then she went, very gently, with no struggle, no pain. It was just as if she had decided and said: Lord, I am giving my life back to you. In truth, death did not claim her; she had willed her life back to God. Then I was all alone.

While Titay was breathing her last, I was momentarily in panic because the children were not there to share the last moments with the one whom they dearly loved. I was apprehensive that they would be flooded with feelings guilt about this. Moments later they all returned; and when I told them that their mother was gone, I was surprised but really happy at their reaction. Instead of wailing and being lost in grief everyone was exultant and joyful. When things subsided, their common sentiment was that Titay had managed to do somehow what she wanted most – for just the two of us to be together at this moment of parting. Mommy has gone straight to Heaven, they all said, I had married a saint.

It is no wonder to me that Titay could confront death so calmly and with rare courage. She harbored in her soul a deep faith in God’s providence. We were team couple in a Marriage Encounter we gave in Iloilo. A practice we adopted was to write a dialogue letters to each other the same way as the encountering couples. In her letter to me, bearing the Date December 5, 1981, she wrote about death which gives an insight as to her interior feelings about such event. I shall share what she wrote to give an inkling of how it was that she could die so bravely...

December 5, 1981

My dearest Johnny,

I would like to share with you this time my very positive feelings on Time and Death. Because the two are related, I think. Death is not dreadful when we have used Time fully and well.

Funny, dearest, that with the impending demands on our time that our new responsibilities (to the CFM and to BREDCO) will inevitably bring. I still feel the peace and tranquility that we both felt during the convention. Even now, here at the Encounter I feel calm and able to concentrate full on the Now – unmindful of all the “businesses” that we will have to attend to when we go back home.

I am enjoying fully the nearness of God, your loving presence, the dedication of our Team & Staff the beauty of Nature all around us, the beautiful music - I am living Time fully just now. And this is the way I would wish it form now on – that we live each day as fully and as beautifully as we can; that we face each moment as it comes, giving each moment its own particular importance, whether the moment is a moment of work, of prayer, or recreation.

Then Death will be just another moment of Time we will give full importance and our utmost response. It will be just another gift from God, another page of Life and when we turn it, we shall be in eternity with God!

Just now, my dearest, I do not feel fear or dread of Death as I have sometimes felt. I feel comfortably (!) thinking of it, I feel friendly and familiar with it! I guess we can really accept Death only if we really live Life, by using Time fully & well.

I still recall Fr. Resty’s Fruits of the Flesh /Fruits of the Spirit, and I see things this way; indulging in wranglings, dissensions, etc. is really wasting precious moments of Time; feeling the joy, peace understanding, that come when we are with the Spirit is truly living.

How happy I am, dearest Johnny, that we both were there to receive the Spirit that afternoon; and again that we are both here, united in love with God!

I love you, Titay