By Sr. Evangeline Canag, FSP

I am sending you...

From far away Rome, I heard John Paul II’s impassioned commissioning of the young people during the 10th World Youth Day in Manila: “To each one of you Christ says: “I am sending you....’ These words are addresses to you. The Church addresses them to all young people around the world today, though they are being addressed especially of the Philippines and to the young people of China, of Japan, Korea and Vietnam....”

A far away memory...

The Holy Father’s charismatic words awakened something in my memory. I was nine years old then when I heard something like that, not quite, but similar, it happened this way: While in the elementary school, my friends and I used to pass the convento every time we got to school. We would make a short visit to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, go up the convento to see the “friendly, big white priest” of the Mill Hill Missionaries and ask for stampitas to augment our collection. The priest used to be in two’s, the parish priest and his coadjutor. The younger priest was handsome buy we liked the older one better because he looks like a doting “lolo.”

On one of those days three of us went up the convento only to find the “lolo” sick. The priests’ rooms were always open and we kids could go in and out ad we wanted. There he was, lying weakly on his bunk. Not in a mood to talk and joke as he used to do. “I am sick,” he said, “Go to Father...”(the young Coadjutor). We found the young Father sitting at his working table. “Come, come,” he said. “I’ll show you something.” Actually he was already looking at it. A picture of a beautiful lady flanked by three boys, hand some as our assistant priest. Pointing to the lady, he said, “This is my mother”. Then he threw a nostalgia look into the far horizon even as he gathered the three pf us into his embrace. Silence. We playful kids joined respectfully his embrace. I looked up at his eyes and saw nostalgia but not sadness. Then it happened: from the depth of my being, came a voice, a whisper. “Someday, I will be a missionary!”

Fifty Years

Years have passed since the. Right now. I am in Rome, serving as a general councilor in the congregation of the Daughters of St. Paul. I would have liked to be a missionary stationed in the frontier, in Africa, or in Papua New Guinea perhaps, proclaiming the Gospel with the means of social communications. But obedience puts me here in Rome and this is my mission land. What did I understand then in the office of the convento of the little town of Leon, Iloilo? At 9 years old I could not have verbalized it. But now I can put it this way: That handsome young priest left his beloved family in Holland and perhaps comfortable life in order to proclaim Christ, among us, poor people, sharing our life, our problems and our joys. Why? There must be something greater that the goods of this world. Something more beautiful, eternal and true. I heard an implicit appeal to go and preach the Gospel. And my heart answered “YES!” Since then, every day I gathered fragments of that something great beautiful and true, And my love and veneration for missionaries grows more than ever because they continue to lay down their life for the Gospel. While I write this, no news has been had for the 7 Saverian Sisters captured by the guerillas in Sierra Leone. Thank you, God, for having given me the courage to say YES. Thank you Holy Spirit, for having inspired the Holy Father to hurl the challenge to our youth “to confess Jesus Christ”, assign, Christ says: “Come with me into the ‘Third Millennium’, to save the world!... ‘You can be certain that he will not let your down: He will be with you always!”

By Fr. Efren de Guzman, SVD

July

5 and 6

Armed men raided one of our villages in Bengo, around 60 to 70 kilometers from the capital of Luanda. They killed five of our community members. They took away the crops of the community ad wounded some men. When I learned what happened and decided to bring some food to the people, the police at first did not want to let me pass and reach the area. But realizing the gravity of the situation, they allowed me to help our community. The orphans were crying to me, begging me to transfer then to our other villages because of what happened. A lot of them were traumatized and wanted to abandon the place. One feels so helpless in the face of such a situation because one can’t really do anything to stoop the abuses of the military who are very undisciplined and poorly paid, as a result. They prey on helpless people, robbing them of whatever little they have.

July 11

We invited the Cardinal to attend our regular meeting of the missionaries who are working in the vicinity of the province of Bengo. we were surprised that he accepted our invitation. It was a great honor to us but a considerable risk to the safety of His Eminence because Kabiri, the place where we held the meeting (90 kilometers form Luanda), is a place where bandits and highway men bound. We informed the Cardinal of the loss of two cars of the missionaries. We also informed him of the attack in Kanangga.

We still hold our formation program, with the Catechist every Sunday. In Virdul, a little village near our parish, some 80 participants attended the formation and we’re very happy that the number of volunteer is increasing every month.

July 18

The Lutherans from Norway expressed their willingness to help us build the walls around our makeshift Leper Colony in Funda. We need the walls because of the vulnerability of the lepers to bandits. We are still soliciting financial help from all the charitable institutions we could contact – Catholic or non-Catholic organizations in building the houses, the training center, and the refectory of the lepers and orphans.

We visited Ambriz, a village situated around 160 kilometers from Luanda. There we encouraged people who were dying of hunger. The people begged us for food, medicine, clothing for the orphans and abandoned children and old folks. But considering the limited supplies we had, we could only give them enough food clothing and medicine for one month.

August

August 5

A sportsfest for Filipinos in Luanda was opened. We have more than five hundred Filipinos working here. We were enlisted in one of the basketball teams, we play with then every Saturday afternoon and every first Sunday of the month we celebrated mass on our native language.

7 to 12

I gave a one – week retreat attended by a good number of sisters from different religious congregations. It was a successful retreat but I felt so drained and dead-tired at the end of the retreat. Our main theme: Religious Life is Way of Conversion, Reconciliation, and Re-integration.

19

We continued with our formation program with our lay-leaders in Vidrul.

21 to 25

We distributed food supplies in 36 villages of the Parish of San Antonio in Kifanggondo the food supplies were distributed mainly to the orphans, amputees, old folks and widows.

Our lives are rainbows, as we grow. Have faith in God, the sun will shine, the darkest moment comes just before dawn.

September

September 1

Four Filipinos and some Angolans were kicked in an ambush in Lacapa, 850 kilometers, northeast of Luanda.

September 2

A shootout between the police and government commandos tool place her in Luanda (Rogue Santeiro – Black Market central), resulting in the deaths of some 30 persons. That night one of our cars, a Toyota Land Cruiser, was stolen by armed men.

I appreciate very much your concern for me. You know I need that. After working here in Angola for a considerable length of time, I feel tired. Of course, I’m not getting any younger. But the fatigue I feel is rather the weariness of my psyche. As we would say in Tagalog, “medyo pagod na ako.” Some suggested that I ask for a temporary transfer some where, say in Brazil, just to rejuvenate my weary mind and spirit. I am just human and I know my limitation. But, of course, it’s the will of the Lord that should be followed. In the meantime the best thing we can so us to pray for each other, trusting in the Lord with all our hearts.

By Fr Joseph Panabang SVD

By Father Joseph D. Panabang, SVD

Speaking in Tongue

Sometimes some of the gifts of the of the Holy Spirit are too earnestly sought for. To some of To some of Charisma tics, anybody who does not speak in tongues second class Catholics. This causing division and arguments rather n than fostering unity. Once I saw one of these charismatic leaders I suddenly (in an exaggerated manner) dropped my hand and stated trembling a little and prayed “Ave Maria napnoka iti gracia, ni Apo Dois Adda kenka...”

He was so impressed to see that indeed I have the gift of tongues. Turning around in a calm voice I told him, “So, you see I can do it anytime I like. You call it speaking in tongues but actually I prayed the Hail Mary in one of our Filipino Languages.” Since then he has moderated his views. All Catechumens passed away Take it as a custom, Ghanaians usually do not talk of death directly. Hardly ever do you hear a Ghanaians saying, “Mr. So and So is dead”. You will rather hear it in a proverbial or euphemistic way like: “Wada ne benkum.” (He slept on his left side.) “Okoo n’ akuraa.” (He has gone to this village.) “Odae wonsore.” (He could not keep from sleep.) Or if is a chief who dies, they say, “Odupong atutu.” (The mighty tree has been uprooted.) But generally when speaking English, they say he or she has passed away. Cultures Clashing Missionary life is not all that romantic. Your culture is clashing with theirs so that much of the time you are simply annoyed by what appeared to you as stubbornness, slowness, ignorance or disbelief of your people. You begin to criticize. Worse, situation can even train you to a breaking point. Before starting the Mass, I would always look at the people straight in the eyes and whisper to myself, “These are the people for whom God shed His blood.” Then I become calm and relaxed. Try it. It works. Second Mass Collection After my surprise prayer before the final blessing during one Sunday Mass, the Catechist was making an announcement in twi (the local language) that there would be a second collection. I then asked the Assistant Catechist what the collection was for. “To pay for the gifts we gave the priest last December,” he replied frankly. Tubig lang?! Two Filipino contract workers and Ghanaian friends paid me a visit in Ghana. Following Ghanaian custom, first I offered them water after which I asked about their mission. The Ghanaians were impressed with the way I followed every detail of their hospitality but the two Filipinos were just staring at me in disbelief. “Why only water? This is never done in the Philippines.” Anything for the Children I was just back in Ghana after my vacation. After the usual house to house greetings, we chanced upon groups of children rushing towards us. My catechist talked to them in their language and suddenly everybody started jumping in excitement, shouting, cheering, yelling. “What did you tell them?” I asked the catechist. “That we shall have Mass tonight”. Though tired and weary I was inspired and glad to say the Mass.

By Julian Gregorio Oyales, CICM

The Condrado dela Cruz Project is the story of some displaced women in a slum area of Guatemala City, in the Parish of Sagrado Familia. In memory of the Filipino missionary and martyr Condrado dela Cruz, CICM, who disappeared on May 1, 1980, the parish, opened a ministry. Its primary aim is to offer women and children a chance to recover their sense of dignity, to discover their role in the family and community and to strengthen their faith in the God of Life.

The Parish of Sagrada Familia

Colonia Santa Marta was accepted by the CICM Fathers in 1985. The only reason persuading us to take it was the possibility assisting an area on the margins of society and providing a community where our students and seminarians could form their missionary attitudes. In 1989, the project started as a workshop for women and a Daycare Center for malnourished children. Today women in the workshop weave original clothes to sustain their families and the Day Care Center. The project has become a real haven for these women and children.

Dona Ana and her daughter Lucia

Ana is originally from Quiche, a province battered by civil war. She is married to a perennially absent husband, the family drunkard. In her late twenties now, she came to Guatemala City when she was sixteen and her family broken up by the warm For more than twelve years he had been working a domestic helper. Ana is a hard –working woman. She values her work as her life. Unlike other Mayan Indian women, she struggles to wear her native dress even though it is dangerous and expensive. She and her daughter speak their native Quiche and have learned Spanish as well. In the Project she portrays an inner dignity. She has learned to read and write through the program “Literacy and Human Rights.” She has a clear knowledge of Basic Labor Laws which allows her to get justice from the different families who employ her as household help. Her dream is to go back one day to her native land and be reunited with her family and send Lucia to school.

Another Story

Another story from the women and children in the Project is Alejandra Lucas and her family. For her the project has become an expression of commitment and sacrifice. Alejandra shows the natural talent of Guatemalan women in the weaving and garment industry. She sews the most perfect dressing in the workshop which is part of the Project to help women make dresses of Guatemalan fabrics. She claims that if it were not for the project she might have gone to work in the garment export factories which are known for their exploitation of young Mayan Indian women. Alejandra thought that the project to was only a means of gaining skills in garment production. However, in association with other women in the workshop, she discovered that the environment provided by the parish is a way of protecting the environment provided by the parish is a way of protecting and defending the life of women and children. Later she and her husband married in the Church with their sons as ring bearer and her daughter as one of the witnesses.

Condrado Lives On

Alejandra is a new type of leader who by transforming her own life of suffering has become a source of hope and compassion for the other women. Through the Condrado dela Cruz Project Alejandra’s life had changed and Padre Condrado form faraway Philippines, lives on and continues to help God’s poor.

By Fr. Edito Casipong, CICM

The Situation

When I was still in Belgium, learning the French language and receive the order to be in Haiti by 15 December 1994, I had hard time deciding whether to go or not to goat the given deadline. Not to go, of course, would automatically mean to celebrate Christmas with those whom I already knew and felt at home, with the five other Filipino CICM destined for Africa. I was wrestling with the temptation to stay with what is already familiar. I wanted to build a tent where I was because the situation seemed to be so secure. I was afraid to cross the bridge of uncertainty that goes with the realization of my dream to be a missionary. But the voice of God was stronger than my human tendencies. I went as requested and in Haiti I was warmly welcomed by my confreres. Little by little, my fears were transformed into feeling of joy and security.

Biodata

Now, perhaps, a bit of myself. By virtue of my family’s affection, I am called Dodong; by virtue of Catholic faith, I was baptized Edito and by virtue of my civil records, I an known as Guillermo. Now, I am having an identity crisis. I do not know anymore how to call myself. I come from the island of Negros. As a mother tongue, I speak “Cebuano”, the national language of the south. I am the sixth in a family of seven, four boys and two girls. Inspired by the simple but rich and nurturing faith of my family and my parish, I decided to join the Congregation of the Immaculate Heart of Mary in 1986. For four years I received my college formation at Maryshore CICM Mission Seminary in Bacolod City while earning a degree in philosophy at the University of St. La Salle Bacolod. In 1991, after a year in the Verbist CICM novitiate, Taytay Rizal, I professed my first religious vows. Then, I moved to CICM-Asia Regional Formation Community, our theologate house in New Manila, Quezon City. For three years, I studied theology at Maryhill School of Theology. In 1994, I flew to Belgium to study French and so prepared myself for the French Speaking island of Haiti. That island where Columbus landed 500 years ago and where I am now.

Creole, French, English

My first months here in Haiti were very exciting. I was delighted by the kindness of the confreres. Some talked to me in English, others, French, with some flavors of Creole, Haiti national language; still others spoke in a combination of the three. But all to the same purposes: to make me feel at home! Getting to know Haiti especially its culture and language is an important part in this period. A professor in Creole gave me lessons for two months. With the help of my Belgium-learned French plus the non –sophisticated grammar of Creole, I learned the language easily. After the forma lessons in Creole, some experts spoke to us on politics. Economy, history, media, theology, family in Haiti. All was given in Creole. These sessions were coupled with exposure to some important and historical places here, the whole program gave me a general picture of this county and prepared me to learned form this new culture.

By Fr. Neil Collins

When I was in Seminary our professors taught us about using the bible, how to say Mass and baptize, and how to preach. But what about people who don’t go to Church? How do I preach the Good News of God’s love to them? They didn’t teach me that. But... Desi Mina, near three years old, showed me one way: She introduced me to her sandbox.

Ireland a Mission Country

Desi, helped by her parents Roberto and Kris mom from Marikina, Metro Manila, is a Columban lay missionary in the town of Tullamore, Ireland. Since when did Ireland need missionaries? Well, living around then are many broken families and people who never go to Mass. Problems in the neighbourhood range form alcoholism and drug abuse to robbery. That’s why their parish priest, Fr. Wellie Cleary, asked them to live in that area.

Native Customs

During a visit to Ireland I spent a day with them. Roberto walked around with me, I was impressed by the number of friends he had made in the short time they have been in Tullamore. We stopped where a man was gardening. “Its Joe, isn’t it? Said Roberto, asking for a piece of one shrub for his own garden. Later a teenager shouted, “Roberto, look. I’m Johnny Dooley taking a free strike for the Offaly Team.” He swung his hurling stick at a ball, missing it I’m afraid. We insisted that he try again, with better results. [Hurling is a wild game played by the native Irish using wooden sticks! - Editor]

Rough

Kris and Roberto have used their garden as one way to make friends, and Desi has used her sandbox. She brought me out to play, building a heap of sand and shoving sticks into it here and there.” There’s often a mob kids sitting around it,” said Kris. “And some of then are rough,” added Roberto. “They can push me to the very edge.”

Consumer Society

In nearby New bridge, three Filipinos, Gaya from Bontoc, Annie from Loboc, and Lorna from Iligan, are looking for similar ways to reach out to the many people who are lost in an increasingly materialistic, consumer society. When I spoke with their pastor, Fr. Joe McDermott, mentioning the broken families and the alcohol and drug abuse in Tullamore, he said, “There are many like that here, too.” The three Filipinos showed me a camping site for semi-nomadic “traveling people”, and a buzzing parish centre. They aren’t sure where they will fit in, but I could see that Newbridge needs them. In the meantime they are attempting to understand the Irish. Next door to their hose is a bookstore and the owner regularly lends them books on Irish Culture and politics. So far they haven’t figured out why Christians can kill each other in Belfast.

Desi could help with that problem. She’d just invite me everybody to play in her sandbox.

By Bo Sanchez

I was sexually abused when I was eight years old.

A cousin who was ten years old lived with us for some time, and as a curious kid, I was in awe in him because he seemed so strong and skilled and in control.

“Do this or suffer the consequences,” was his favorite line to me. He’d use it when he wanted me to do errands for him, like buy Coke or chips from the sari-sari store. He’d used it when he abused me sexually.

One day, he asked me to enter his room –and I liked doing that because it was filled with books and other odd items.

First, he showed me a pornographic book filled with nude women. As an eight-year old kid, I remember not being affected by what I saw, except for the fact that there was something oddly wrong with what I was looking at.

He then made me lie down in his bed and removed my trousers. He lay down beside me and went fondling me.

I couldn’t understand what he was doing to me. but I distinctly remember how I disliked what he was doing, and decided to stop it. So I made a motion to stand up, but he pushed me down.

He then growled, “Stay or suffer the consequences.”

After abusing me some more, he let me go.

I don’t even recall how I felt walking out of his room. Perhaps because it was too painful, I shelved it, buried it deep within me to a place I thought I’d never visit again. I was wrong.

One More Time

When I was thirteen years old, I was sexually molested again, but by this time, it was done by my prayer group leader.

I was already involved with a Christian group at that time, giving Life in the spirit of Seminars to different provinces all over the country. As a young kid, I loved the Lord and enjoyed him zealously, it was one of the most exhilarating times of my life. Already I was giving talks, leading worship and counseling a lot of young people.

One day, in passing, someone mentioned to me that my leader was a homosexual- but because he didn’t look like one, I didn’t give into much thought.

Soon after that, a group of us gave a Life in the Spirit Seminar in a faraway city. We had to stay overnight in one of the homes of our host.

Five or six of us slept in one room, and our leaders arranged our sleeping arrangements. The older guys, were assigned to the floor, while the leader and I shared a big sized bed.

In the middle of the night, I was awakened by someone lowering my shorts to my knees. In the darkness, I saw my half-naked leader, climbing on top of me.

I remember not being able to move, being too shocked to lift a muscle. Years later, I’d hate myself for not being violent at that point. This feeling of being a coward worsened my feelings of shame for what happened to me.

It didn’t last very long. He moved back to his place and slept. I was still dazed, and upon realizing what happened, cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, the guys gathered in the living room, I was last to join them, not knowing what to expect. Our leader was in the middle of the group, his eyes closed, his hands clasp while leading our morning prayers.

It remains to be one of the disgusting scenes I have ever seen in my life.

Escaping the Pain

For many years since then, I was in bondage to masturbation, and there were many times when I was drawn to pornography. This was happening even as I rose in my responsibilities as a young Catholic leader. People were flickering everytime I preached, but none of them knew the terrible guilt that was eating up my soul. I hate myself. I totally abhorred what I was doing, but it was as though I was irrevocably chained to this habit.

There were days when I’d fall, and hate myself so much because I was going to preach in a few hours. I felt like a total hypocrite. But it seemed as though I was shackled and forever condemned to this sick way of life.

I couldn’t reconcile the fact that I was falling repeatedly to the same sin, while at same time recognizing that deep within me, I knew that I loved the Lord. But why did I feel so powerless against my sexual urges?

Slowly, I began to realize how I was escaping the inner pain of hatred towards myself. People abused me, and unconsciously, I concluded that I was because I deserved to be abused. This is irrational thinking. But this is insane logic of all victims of abuse.

That I was abused because it was my fault.

That at my very core – minus my talents and achievements – I’m very unlovable.

All these years, I’ve realized how much I tried to seek for that love. To prove that statement wrong.

I was incredibly exhausting to try to please people all my life and try to gain their love, and so I escaped by sexual pleasure. Testosterone was like a drug to me: It made me forget my inner pain. Unknown to me, sexual fantasizing simulated the intense feelings of being loved – something I was deeply searching for.

Because as a child, I was bullied by an adult into having sex, and because I seemingly “allowed” myself to be victimized so that I wouldn’t lose the approval of people I held in high esteem – playing the role of the abused became a habit I was unconsciously repeating.

Psychologists say we tend to repeat destructive patterns in our lives. I found self love and acceptance in sexually abusing myself.

Sheer idiocy. But unconsciously, I accepted it.

And many addicts. No matter what the addiction, believes in the same lie.

A Few Other Problems

I also had an approval-addiction, probably fiercer than my sexual addiction. Now note: it’s quite normal to want approval form people/ but when this becomes the over-riding, all -consuming motive for all that your do in your life, you’re sick.

And this describes my situation very well. Every act, every word, every deed, every project, every gesture that I do is designed to make people like me. Every talked I give, every song I compose, every community I build, every article I write, every relationships I begin... it’s all a desperate search for love.

If someone, especially someone who was close to me, showed a sign of disfavor, disapproval, even jut a raise eyebrow, I melt. I panic. I die. Because to us approval-addicts when someone does not like us, we feel like dying.

Thus, I also try to avoid any king of conflicts with anyone. I hate confronting people. And consequently, I never got angry. Never. In fact, people praised me for being the most patient person in the universe. Because of this, I felt I was very, very Christian.

But how untrue this was! Now, I realize that it isn’t very loving not be angry when there is need to be angry at the sin of others. Also, by not being angry at sin, I allowed others to abuse me emotionally – another result of repeating destructive patterns: If I was abused sexually before, why not allow others to abuse me emotionally?

It was an approval-addiction, and it was a prison I couldn’t escape from, no matter how much I tried.

This was fueled by other inner wounds of the past which I discovered along the way: my parents though faithfully loving, weren’t physically expressive in there affections towards me. Nor did they like taking about emotional issue in the open, but expressed it in hidden, camouflaged or anger ways. (They were non- confrontational in the sense that they didn’t discuss why they were angry.) And when u was a kid, some relatives were teasing me endlessly about being coward. I could go on and on...

Understand that these are pretty common scenarios in any family, but see how these seeming small hurt can define your make-up today. (Addictions can be anything that lets you escape facing your inner pain; it can be an addiction to alcohol, gambling, work, food, religious activities, peculiar behaviors etc.)

Incomplete Healing

After many years, I’ve been able to overcome my compulsion to masturbation. It gradually faded away. And though my approval addiction isn’t totally healed, I’m now able to confront people when that is the most loving thing to do: tell then I’m angry, and tell them why.

To this day, I still am plagued by sexual fantasies when I’m exhausted, lonely and under pressure.

But too am experiencing the love of Jesus, I believe, in a greater way. Slowly, He’s healing me of my deepest wounds. As I write this article, I cannot say that I am totally free form my bondages- because I’m not , but I write to you with powerful hope stirring within my soul. Because of His love, I’m on the way to real freedom.

Through my experience, I have learned something very important about life. It is truth that sets me free.

When I hid my sins and addictions (when I denied that I even had a problem!) I remained in darkness. And the “power of the lie” grew within me, robbing me of joy and peace and blessing.

And when I tried to avoid facing my past hurts – the sexual abuse I suffered in my life - I too was running away from the truth. I didn’t like to face the pain within me – I just wanted to go on with life and move forward. Forger the past, I advised myself. Just love God and do the right thing.

But my bondage, like a hidden monster, which was a result of not facing my inner pain, was getting bigger and stronger.

When I bury the dull throb of hidden wounds, and ignore it as though it wasn’t there, I do feel my desperate need for God. And that was exactly what was happening to me.

But when I faced it squarely, and entered fully into the emotions of my grief, my anger and my shame because of what happened – I saw God in a totally new way.

He was big enough to heal me. I didn’t know that because I didn’t know I was sick in the first place.

Feel Like A Failure

As you read this article, you might be wondering what all this had got to do with you, “I don’t have a sexual addiction,” you say.

Fine, but you see, I’m speaking to anyone who has experience any failure, in his life.

I want to talk to failures, or to people who believe they are.

If you’ve been cheated and betrayed by your best friend, your spouse, your parents, I’m speaking to you. If you’ve been abused physically, emotionally, or spiritually – by anyone, I’m speaking to you. If have a habitual sin that has plagued you all through these years and you seem powerless to remove it, I’m speaking to you.

If you think there’s no more hope for you, listen I tell well.

I don’t speak from a vacuum.

I don’t speak from lofty principles I’ve read in a book.

I’m speaking from firsthand experience.

I’ve learned that God can build from failures.

His construction material isn’t always the best, because He’s a carpenter that ‘makes do’ with what’s available. And what s available in our torn-down lives isn’t very nice.

A Movement to Start Afresh

What follows next may seem terribly simplistic because what I write down as a “step” using a few lines may take years to accomplish! Also, they aren’t steps that are done because one chooses to do them. But because one opens one’s self to the movement of grace. And how do you open your self to grace of you don’t know you need it.

These elements aren’t chronologically arranged either, in the sense that you take the first one, then move on the next. Rather it is an upward spiral that one visits and revisits again and again, back and forth, as the Spirit of God leads you day by day.

1. Face the Past

The first step to overcoming failures is not to forger the past, but to enter into the past again with courage and humility. To face your failures, and not to run away form them, to admit where you were hurt, and reenter the volatile, yet unfelt emotions that are connected to these past events.
Perhaps you need to set aside time from your business. Frantic activity and workaholism are drugs that we use to run away form the truth of our past. Sit down, keep quiet for a couple of days, and pray for the Lord to point out areas of deep hurt in your life.

2. Seek Loving Friends

Talk about your past. Share it with trusted friends. Confess your sins. Make yourself vulnerable to them, live in the light. Embrace the truth. And allow people to love you in your weakness.
For once, be real. I’ve realized that the best way of loving others isn’t to do acts of service for them. Love is much deeper than doing a lot of nice things for one another, love is about intimacy, and intimacy doesn’t happen until one courageously removes masks – and as a Catholic leader, I believe that the best service I give my flock is to become real to them.

And deep down, that what all of us are searching for.

3. Allow Yourself to Grieve

I hate being emotional, I prided myself for being a cerebrally-oriented, stoic male. I rarely shed tears. But today, I realize that God had a purpose for my capacity to grieve. To weep. To shed tears of sorrow. He doesn’t put my ability to mourn for nothing. It has a crucial purpose for the healing of my wounds.

Do not be afraid to weep for your failure or your hurts. Grieve before the Lord. Grieve before others, and allow the comfort of the Lord enter in you richly.

I also don’t believe that we should forced people to forgive “now” those who hurt us whether they feel like it or not, especially when it comes to abuse victims. These people need to go through the emotions of anger and grief, without short-circuiting this natural process with a quick, instant “I forgive-him-and-forget-about-it” fix. After feeling the anger, and presenting themselves to God with their inner rage, I believe that forgiveness towards others will be more genuine and free when the right time comes. We need to be more respectful toward this material emotional pace as well as the unique movement of grace in each person’s life.

4. Seek Grace Desperately

All these stages will bring you to the best place for your heart to be in: broken and wounded and needy. Unless cracks appear, his healing grace cannot trickle in and heal what needs to be healed
Because you see how much you need His love, His power, His touch, His glory, it becomes necessary for Him to move. For the great physician, has not come to heal those are well, but those who are sick. Who know they are sick

5. Receive Love

Someone who has failed feels very unlovable. Anyone who has been hurt, especially in childhood, unconsciously thinks that he was hurt because he deserver being hurt- because bottom –line he really is unlovable. More common than we think, many people hate themselves. (Note: We think, many people hate themselves. On the contrary, many selfish people are selfish because they’re insecure, haven’t been loved even by themselves.)

But this is what grace does: As we seek God, we see intense, unconditional love, gently flowing towards what we consider to be a very unlovable creature: ourselves. And this ocean of love is surrounding us, immersing us forever.

My prescription: We need to allow ourselves to be deeply loved.

I recommended time for regular quite prayer where you simply allow the affectionate gaze of God to rivet you, hold you captive, and imprison you in the wounds of His heart. Do not hold back. Use your imagination to picture the greatest truth of all time. Let him carry you and sway you as a mother does a child, imagine yourself as a baby, or at the age when you where hurt. Let him sing you a lovesong as He does this. This isn’t fiction. This is the deepest desire of His soul, the plan of His heart from the very beginning of time.

6. Returning to Old Truths

What old truths? The crucial need to repent and take responsibility. (I have a reason why I placed this at the last place, so suspend your question and read on first.)

Repent of your addiction, no matter what the habitual sin is. Though it is true that it was fueled by the violence and abuse of others, it was still a repeated choice that you made through the years. You decided to give in to it, every time you feel. You sinned against your self, others and God.

See the Lord’s hatred for your sin and His jealous love for you. Own that hatred and claim that love. Ask for His forgiveness. Yes, repent of your sin.

I know what you’re thinking right now: you’ve tried this so many times before, and it didn’t work. You kept falling back into the same old dung heap.
That’s why I placed this here, at the last step.

I sincerely believe that before repenting, we first of all have to be brought to that place where we’re desperate for that love. (In the Gospel, Jesus proclaimed repentance t o tax collectors and prostitutes, but only after He gave them friendships, eating meals and fellowshipping with them. He first of all loved them in a way that no religious leaders did.)

Next: Take responsibility. Make Choices to do the rigth things: Avoid temptation, strengthen your relationship with God, put order in your life. Reconcile with those whom you are in conflict with etc.

Again, I hear you, “I’ve tried this before. Didn’t work.”

But that’s not what I’m talking about.

That’s why this is the last step.

This won’t be “will power” Christianity, because as an addict trying to cut clean, you’ve failed miserably doing it on your own.

Because now, at the core of your being, taking steps to overcome your sin “by His grace” is no longer a pious platitude – as something you say to sound theologically correct, but at the back of your mind, you actually believe that it’ll be your own effort that ‘ll do the trick.

No more. You are broken now. Very broken.

It has to be God, first, second. And third.

And you, very humbly and fearfully taking responsibility for the areas that he gave you power to Choose.

Final Word

This inner pilgrimage is still a pilgrimage to holy lands: When you visit the ruins of your past self, destroy by the evil acts of others and yourself, you touch the rubble of past glory. But beneath what is physically, psychologically, and even spiritually broken, one discovers the undying presence of loving God. One discovers, with great shock, the sacredness of the site that He was there all along.

He has never abandoned you.

So, I asked you: move on

Start afresh.

Because His mercy is new every morning

As we seek God,

We see intense, unconditional, gentle love 
Flowing towards what we consider to be 
A very unlovable creature: ourselves. And his ocean of love is surrounding us, immersing us forever.

By Sr. Caroline M. Granil, FMDM

“Let the little children come to Me...
for it is to such as these that the Kingdom of Gods belongs .” (Luke 18:16-17)

London to Jordan

I am Sister Caroline M. Granil, a native of Cardona Tarlac. I belong to an International congregation and we are known as Franciscan Missionaries of the Divine Motherhood. I joined this Congregation in 1972 after I finished my Nursing training in London. I was sent to Amman Jordan in 1981 where we administer an Out-Patient Clinic of Mothers and Babies and General Patients. We serve both the Jordanians and Palestinians, Moslems and Christian Alike. Ninety percent however of attendances are Palestinians refugees from nearby Palestinian Camps, who fled Palestine in 1948 and 1967.

Mother Teresa

Our Clinic is closed on Sunday and so I go to Mother Teresa’s Sisters to volunteer my services with the handicapped babies and children. While the Sisters are at Mass I stay with the children, play simple games with them, attend to their basic needs, massage wasted limbs, help some to walk. When the Mass is over, I help the sistes feed the children; after which we put them back to their individual cots for afternoon siesta.

Beautiful Children

I find all this fulfilling but initially I found relating with the children very difficult let alone learning to hold then in my arms and to understand what they were trying to communicate to me. But I gave priority in my life and eventually I was able to overcome the odd feeling within me. “Let the little children come to me...”says Jesus. With time I came to know each one with their individual peculiarities and livableness. Each one became a special person! And amazing how their handicaps became less obvious to me!

By Fr. Cresencio Suarin

Associate Missionary

I’m Fr. Cresencio L. Suarin, known as Dodo, a diocesan priest from Pitogo, Pagadian Diocese, Mindanao. I volunteered to work with the Columban Fathers in Pakistan. I arrived in Pakistan, April 1993. I’m the first Filipino priest to work in Pakistan. There are five Filipino Columban lay missionaries, 15 Filipina sisters of different congregations, one Filipino Brothers of Charity and over a thousand Filipino workers all over Pakistan.

Bishop Tobias Program

During the time Bishop Tony Tobias, we had a programme of our diocese that priest who have been fifteen years in the service were encourage to observe as missionaries in other countries. I felt drawn to this program and really challenged to put into action. Secondly, the Lord Jesus continued to invite me to go out to the whole world (Mt. 28:19-20), I was challenged to live out this invitation and by the grace of the Lord I accepted It.

Difficult Moment

I was in Australia taking mission orientation course when I was received the news that I’ll be assigned in Pakistan. At first, I had negative feelings about it sue to the fact that the mission country that I’m going to is a Muslim State. It was still very fresh in my minds when two of my brothers (Francisco and Gabriel) were killed by the Muslims rebels in Mindanao. That was during the height of the Christian and Muslim conflict exactly 23 years exactly years earlier. My brothers were just two among the many victims of that war which only now is cooling. Both Christians and Muslim suffered a lot of casualties not only their loved ones but also their important properties and belongings. One thing clear that came to my mind when I received my assignment was that the Lord was asking me to practice the virtue of forgiveness not only to the Muslims in Mindanao but also to the Muslims in Pakistan and Muslim all over the world.

Our Activities

I am now in Pakistan and decided our parish activities, I am also involved in giving lectures as part of a programme for the Junior Professed Sister. Recollection days and retreats. We also have a monthly Filipino Mass in Lahore and on some occasions I join their social gathering.

Swearing on Bible

Recently, a Christian who belonged to our parish was accused of stealing. The Muslim leaders looked for a priest and Christian leaders to be witnesses. The Christian suspect agreed to take an oath in the Bible that he was not involved in the theft. I found this gesture a very positive way of solving the problem in the community.

Human Rights

Several times I attended meetings of a group called “Faith -in –Action” which is composed of Christians and Muslims. Through their sharing together they aim to know and learn from one another, discuss relevant and sensitive issues and how to find ways and means to solve the problem. Human rights advocates are gradually growing not only in numbers but also their awareness of the different abuses and injustices in the country.

Blasphemy Laws

While it is true that many such positive things are happening in Pakistan, it is sad to note than many Christian and Muslims are afraid of the blasphemy laws. A person found guilty of blaspheming the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) =PBUH) – offending religious sensitivities by doing, writing or saying offensive remarks about the Prophet and sacred texts – will be jailed and sentenced to death. Many of the victims of this law are members of the Ahmadi community, and these are also some Christians. Two Christians who were accused of blaspheming the Prophet were recently acquitted due to lack of evidence. But even so they had to go abroad for their safety. Sad to say, their families were harassed by fanatics.

Corruption

Unless the victim gives a substantial amount of money as a bribe the police often will not arrest habitual criminals. Women both Muslim and Christian are often treated as second class citizen in Pakistan. Most of them have to stay at home to take care of the children and their husbands and do house hold work. Only thus are they called “good” women. Muslims are often given the first preference to work in higher office of the government. Thus we seldom find Christian working in a white collar jobs. Most of the Christians work in manual labour. Poverty is the daily reality for the majority of the population – be they Christian, Hindu or Muslim.

By Juliet Labog-Javellana

On may 26 last year the camalig or hot o the Mahilum family went to fire. There were five children and no parents. Rhona the oldest, 8 years old, single handedly carried one by one her four brothers and sisters to safety. As she braved the flames, each time she got more and more burned. Finally, after saving the last child she collapsed, exhausted in pain. We recall her brave story form the Inquirer newspaper where she was given a special citation from the president.

According to accounts, she carried each of her siblings out of the house, and suffered burns on her back in the process. Her mother later found her unconscious in a field and walked for four hours to get her child to the town hospital.

Rhona’s citation red in part: “For saving the lives of her brothers and sisters in the said fire at the risk of losing her own life, she demonstrated the highest value anyone can place on human life by not fearing the prospect of her own death at a age when the futures holds so much promise.”

It said she was presented with the award “for displaying exceptional courage and bravery and strength of character and decisiveness in a situation which many people much older than herself would find daunting and for her singular act of unselfishness, heroism and for exemplary live of country that has earned the deepest respect and admiration of her countrymen and women”.

As the audience to its feet in tribute to Rhona she beamed and took the Plaque from Mr. Ramos as well as a huge symbolic P30, 000 check that went with it.

She constantly smiled and lovingly looked up to the President. Twice, she tugged at the President and to two made their little, private conversations. At one point, the First Couple took peep at her back with was severely burned.

Later, she disclosed what she and the President talked about.

“Sabi niya, Ingatan mo and sugat mo,” She recalled. “Sabi ko, yung sugat niya pagalingin niya rin ‘tsaka ingatan niya kasi mahal ko siya (He told me, take care of your wounds, I said, take care of your wounds, too, because I love him”

Mr. Ramos had a life-threatening carotid block removed in an operation recently. Like Rhona, he still has the scar, on his right neck.

When the Photo session ended and the President was busy shaking hands with her mother Nenita and caretakers at the social welfare department, Rhona tugged at the President again to kiss him goodbye.

Later, she told the reporters she was very happy at the attention given her, but she admitted she didn’t know what to do with her cash reward.

“Hindi ko po alam kasi maliit pa ako (I don’t know what to do because I’m still small) she said.

She said she wants to be a teacher.

When her extraordinary deed was known, Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim brought Rhona to mania for emergency treatment and rehabilitation.

Welfare Secretary Lina Laigo said the girl would undergo two more operations to remove the scar.

Lim declared the young girl an adopted child of Manila and set up a P 1- million trust fund for her. The senate also put up a similar trust fund. (PDI)