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Former Atheist

By John Marc Acut

Almost everyday a classmate or a friend would drop by and casually say, ‘You are an "atheist" right? Why the sudden change? This going to Mass and all seems so bizarre for you.’ In reply, I would give my usual smile and start my story…

Upon my entrance to the teenage world, I faced so many troubles. Aside from being so many, they were also very heavy. They included a 75 in my Integrated Algebra, a broken heart and classmates who did not accept me as one of their own. It all came so suddenly that my emotional defenses weren’t able to help much.

Then I stopped with tears in my eyes. I tried to talk to the Lord, but it seemed as if He was unreachable. It seemed as if He didn’t exist. A question formed inside me, ‘Is there a God?’

All the burdens in my life, which I wasn’t able to carry evenly, helped me arrive at a conclusion: God does not exist after all. He is just a scapegoat for all our problems, someone or something we point to in times of trouble and thank in times of happiness.

I was an ‘atheist!’ I stood firm in this belief and almost had no regrets. Well, almost – within those times of unfaithfulness, I heard a call behind my back. I heard a voice, which made me look at the Old Road once more, the Road of Christ. Yet, I still went on my way with head on high.

One day, in my Christian Humanism class, God called me once more. Our teacher talked about this Jesuit priest who had a conversation with a girl who was an atheist. The girl told the priest that her reason for not believing in God was the idea that goes: if God really exists, then why is there so much suffering in this world? Where is God in this evil world, this evil life, which we all live in? The priest then asked her, “What about faith?” She answered, “I guess I don’t have the gift of faith.” Such an answer gave the priest the opportunity to prove her wrong. “You said gift of faith.” Since it is a gift, then there should be a giver. A Giver of that Faith…”

My teacher went on, “Atheists who have this disbelief because they think that if there is a God, there shouldn’t be any suffering in the world anymore, are like a little child who looks at a half moon. Upon seeing the incomplete circle the child exclaims, ‘God made an imperfect moon. Look! The other side of it is dark.’ He only ‘sees’ the invisible side of the half moon and not the wonder of its light. Like this, atheists only see the troubles in life and not the goodness, the wonder in it. Despite all of the evils in this world, God’s love still outshines these things.” Hearing these words, I stopped, reflected and went to Mass.

God is very real after all. I thought that He silenced himself to let me drown in the sea of my own misery. Yet I learned that his silence only meant that He actually suffers with me. It wasn’t I who did the seeking. Instead, it was He who looked, found and called.

Now I’m trying to repair all the damage I’ve caused in my relationship with God. All I ask from him is his blessing, that I might face him on his altar with an unwavering faith and a heart on fire for his Greater Glory alone for the rest of my days.