By Anton Meemana

The author is a personal friend of the Editor and wrote this at his request. At present the author is a lay evangelist who sees forgiveness as the heart of Christianity - as he says “The world will be saved by forgiveness.”

I come from a Buddhist country. I spent my earliest childhood in a barrio in which the majority were Buddhists. There were also some Muslims and a very few Catholics. The religious tradition most people practiced was a hybrid of Hinduism and Buddhism with a lot of indigenous beliefs and practices. In our clan I had both Buddhist and Catholic relatives. My paternal grandfather was a Buddhist while my paternal grandmother a Catholic. From early on I was exposed to both religious traditions. Up to now I have vivid memories of Buddhist festivals and practices.

Theory of Evolution

At high school, the theory of evolution of Darwin had a great attraction for me. In fact, I was so fascinated wit ht that I immediately dropped all religious notions. I had about God and His Creation. And I quite happily declared to my father that I was an atheist and that God did not exist. He, shocked and angry, declared that the world has no future if a young boy at my age denies that existence of God. I was then 13.

Che Guevarra

Eventually through the influence of one of my teachers I was initiated into Marxism. I was then 14 and started attending the Marxist – Leninist educational classes. Karl Marx and V.I. Lenin became the two dominant figures in my life. My emotional attraction, however, was towards Fidel Castro and Ernesto Che Guevara. Che was a hero, a role model to me. I seriously fantasized that one day I was going to be a great leader like him in Sri Lanka under a communist regime.

True Believer

So I began studying, discussing and propagating Marxism. Although I continued schooling I had already lost my interests in classroom studies. What was more important was the upcoming revolution. I looked up to the leader of our political group. To me, he was the most learned and the most committed leader Sri Lanka ever had. My faith in him was unshakable. I angrily confronted people who criticized him.

Political Turmoil

From 1987-1989 was the height of political unrest in Southern Sri Lanka. During this time I started publishing an anti-government magazine. I also published anti –government articles in other newspapers and magazine conferences and seminars against the regime.

Reign of Terror

In 1989, the Sri Lankan government intensified what they called their “counter terrorist” attacks on our groups. I had to flee my hometown and started moving from one place to another in order to avoid being caught by the military. It was the height of terror in Southern Sri Lanka. Every day I could see dead bodies along the roads; tortured beheaded, half-burned, mutilated human bodies. Sometimes they were floating in the rivers. The probability of getting killed was very high. I really was waiting my death. I thought that at any moment I would get killed. It was an intense period of mental agony and ceaseless anxiety.

A place to Hide

Quite unexpectedly, one day in a public bus I chanced upon a nun with whom I became friendly. I think I was so desperate for some help. I explained to her my predicament and sure enough she provided me with some place to hide. But when hiding was getting difficult she had to look for a permanent solution. Meanwhile I tried to convert her to my own ideology by attacking the Catholic.

Escape abroad

One day she asked me whether I would like to go abroad. Flatly I said no. I also said that I wanted to continue the armed struggle. After some weeks she asked me the same question again. By this time I was tired of hiding and also felt that I was becoming a burden to her, though she never complained a about it. So I asked her “Which country?” She answered, “The Philippines.” I paused for a moment and said, “Yes”, because I had heard of the NPA. I had my own agenda for going. Everything happened so quickly. She was able to get three priests to escort me to the Colombo International Airport since she had some fear that I would get arrested at the airport. She also gathered the support of some of her influential friends for my safe departure.

Philippines

That is how I landed in the Philippines in 1989. But when I stepped out of the plane in Manila I regretted my decision. Manila was such a huge place and I was at a loss. I did not know even a single Filipino when I came here. In fact I had never seen a Filipino in my life before.  I had only $250 dollars with me. It was a do or die situation. I had no choice but to adjust. Eventually I was able to get in touch with some NGOs, individuals and institutes. True to my dream, I also got involved with some radical political groups and became quite familiar with the Philippines political scene. I receive some support from these groups for my daily survival. And at the same time I did a number of odd jobs such as janitor, messenger, cook, gardener, security guard, librarian, balot vendor, part-time teacher, sales agent, in order to support myself. I held on to my Marxist convictions and met a lot of political activists. I also became active with a Palestinian student group in Manila that was affiliated with the PLO (Palestinian Liberation Organization activists from other radical groups, especially the Marxist wing.

Pro-violence

I had this fascination with political extremists and revolutionaries. I always wanted to become one myself. I always wanted to commit myself to something intensely, passionately. I did not mind death. There was a time I wanted to kill, destroy, annihilate, wipe out, burn out, slaughter and die in the process as a hero to the people. I had a kind of messianic complex, I realize now. I believed in political violence as a necessary means to achieve social change. I advocated, justified, glorified violence and argued in favour of it and celebrated such triumphs whenever and wherever it occurred, be it in Israel, Rome, Afghanistan, Iran Iraq, Philippines, Sri Lanka, or the Soviet Union. In fact I still remember how happy I was when I learnt about the shooting Pope John Paul II by Ali Agca. I even told my Marxist friends “Very good, we should get rid of this Polish bastard”. I knew that this pope was very critical of communist regimes in Europe and for that I had a very low regard for him. In my view, whoever was against communism was an enemy of humanity. For me, to be human was to be communist. If there was something I was absolutely certain of, it was the infallibility of Marxist-Communist: it was the truth about human destiny.

St. Francis

In 1992 I went to Cebu to wok as a volunteer with political detainees. One day in a meeting I chanced upon a prayer by St. Francis of Assisi: Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace. When I read it for the first time I couldn’t believer that such a magnetic prayer had ever existed on earth. Although I was not convinced about the part in it about God, I was deeply touched by the overall meaning of the prayer. I kept a copy of the prayer with me looking at it from time to time.

There was another incident. From a book sale, one time, I bought some books at a very cheap price. Among them was a book of Fr. Teihard de Chardin. Although I could not understand everything in it. I was fascinated by his ideas and concepts. To my rationalistic and atheistic mind, his writings had an appeal, somehow. During the same time I borrowed a book on politics (Interview with History by Oriana Palaci) in which there was an interview with Archbishop Dom Helder Camara. Actually I borrowed this book in order to read about Yasser Arafat. I was very impressed by Camara’s brilliant exposition of Christianity and social change. I was absolutely stunned when he said, “Jesus is like a personal friend to me...” How could that be? It was a revelation to me that there are some people who consider Jesus a personal friend. I knew a lot about Christianity but it was my first time to hear the phrase “personal friend”. It made me think. Had I heard from an evangelist or any other preacher I would have shrugged my shoulders but I knew Archbishop Camara was very socially committed and not an armchair preacher His word had the ring of authority.

Burnt out

While all these things were happening. I was undergoing a deep personal crisis. I was losing my passion for revolution and felt dry, burnt out, lifeless. I was running out of fire and confused. I came under attack from my Marxist friends for becoming lukewarm, neutral, compromising. I was even called a “renegade” by some Marxists.

Despair sets in I was beginning to have guilt feeling, since some of my friends got killed as activists in Sri Lanka. I felt like a traitor, a deserter. I tried to commit suicide several times. This trend is in my family. We have three suicides cases in my family and one suicide survivor. Out of despair I started drinking heavily, frequenting nightclubs and having casual relationships. My life was becoming a mess, a bloody mess. This time I was also homeless and jobless. I slept wherever I happened to be and ate whatever I got. For survival I started I started stealing and shoplifting.

There was also a time I had a relationship with a married woman. I even had a live-in relationship with a woman who got pregnant. By manipulating her mind I convinced her to undergo abortion. By this time I was gradually distancing myself from political activism. Confused, burn out, dry, I was longing, searching, groping for something to hold on to.

Maryhill School of Theology

I wandered from group to group searching and after some time upon the encouragement of a friend of mine I enrolled at Maryhill School of Theology. Partly out of curiosity about Theology and partly to keep myself busy. One reason was also that I could afford the tuition fees then, eventually I also enrolled at the Institute of Information and Religious Studies. Now I think it was the right decision. I came to know a lot of seminarians and sisters. After some initial intellectual struggles, most of my biases and misunderstandings were clarified. Issues such as prayer life, sacraments and liturgy became clearer. It took me a long time to understand the meaning of the Holy Mass. Most of my doubts vanished specially after listening to Fr. Brendan Lovett’s lectures on Sacraments and Liturgy.

After five years of studies I started committing myself more and more with church groups. With the help of some priests and nuns immersed myself completely in the Catholic Church. Today I am not a member of any political group or party or affiliation. I have only one loyalty, that is to Jesus Christ and his Church. To be a catholic for me is the most meaningful life I could live. To be human is for me to be Catholic. Roman Catholicism is my home. I want to live and die a Catholic. I see Christianity as the future of humanity.

Every day I could see dead bodies along the roads, tortured, beheaded, half-burned, mutilated human bodies.