‘I Will Walk With Faith’

By Alma Pangsiw

Alma is from the Mountain Province. She was a strong and healthy person, determined to reach her dreams for her family. But a sudden illness got in her way. Here she shares with us how she continued to walk with faith.

I am the eldest of five and was determined to finish college and find a stable job to help my brothers and sisters through school. Then fate walked in and closed that door.

August 18, 2000. I woke up and felt a sudden pang in my hips and waist. My hands were trembling and sweating. I tried to stand but couldn’t keep my legs from shaking. Yet I managed to get dressed and went to the high school where I was having my teaching practice. I couldn’t keep standing during the flag ceremony because of the throbbing pain. I could also feel both legs getting weaker. After one class I thought the pain would subside but it got worse. I couldn’t bear it anymore. I felt I’d collapse and asked permission to go home.

By the afternoon the pain hadn’t ceased! The pain reliever I took proved useless. So I just went to bed moaning, and stretching my back and legs. Around 9 o’clock I decided to go to the hospital, walking distance from our boarding house. Slowly and deliberately, I pushed myself to a standing position but was startled to discover that I couldn’t move my right foot. Even when I stood I needed someone to assist me. My two board mates gladly supported me down to the hospital.

The progress of the paralysis was so fast that by now my right leg was totally numb.

The second night was torment, as if a bolt of electric pain was running through the vein and muscle of my legs. I really cried in pain. But thankfully, I was able to sleep as dawn was breaking. When I woke up, I knew something was really wrong! I couldn’t feel the floor under my foot nor that I was sitting. I shuddered at the realization, I’M PARALYZED!! This can’t be. My head seemed to burst with shock! Both my feet were totally immobile, except for the big toe of my left foot. I tried to raise them but couldn’t. Slowly, as the reality sank in, tears rolled down my cheeks. It was as if the world had stopped and stood still as I felt the anguish of my soul. I cried and cried, asking myself questions I knew only God could answer.

Then Mom arrived. As she lovingly gazed at me, with eyes full of pain, she blinked her tears away. I knew she wanted to give me strength, comfort, support and love, to face what was before me. That moment I came to fully appreciate her great love for her children. She brought warmth and comfort to my somber mood. I was tearfully grateful for the undying love and support she’d always given me.

On the third day, half of my body was totally numb from the waist down. I was only able to move my head and hands.

The following day, I was transferred to the intensive care unit, (ICU), while Mom and the physicians made decisions. Alone in the ICU, fear slowly engulfed me. The stark reality frightened me. I hated to admit it: I was afraid to die! Flashbacks of my past suddenly came alive. Had the good things I’ve done outweighed the bad? I rated myself as not being expected in heaven, that my soul would definitely be damned. Thinking of hell made me shiver. Then something popped into my mind. Maybe there’s something I can do before I run out of time. Even if I can’t alter my fate, at least I can do good before going into the void of nothingness. I remembered the quarrels at our boarding house. So I made up my mind that I’d ask forgiveness of all I’d offended and hurt.

That afternoon, since they couldn’t stop the paralysis, the doctors decided to transfer me to Baguio General Hospital. My friends, board mates, and some relatives came rushing to see me and wish me good luck. I could sense their love and concern. Each was looking at me with misty eyes. Amidst the chaos in my mind, I thanked God that I still had a clear mind and was able to talk. Calming myself, with a half-croaking voice, I asked for forgiveness. I was happy I’d done this and felt relaxed and composed.

On our way to Baguio, it seemed unreal, like a bad dream. Yet deep down inside me I couldn’t deny the truth. As I gazed out of the ambulance, I had a wonderful feeling, as if a soft whisper was caressing my ear telling me that all would be fine. I just had to trust God. That very moment I noticed I was already truly praying, asking His forgiveness, thanking Him for all his blessings and fervently asking for a second life. It was only then that I truly communed with the Father. That was the beginning of a more contemplative life.

In the hospital I saw patients come and go. I also saw faces of death and how pain distorted the faith of some while it strengthened that of others. Slowly my eyes were being opened and my mind illuminated. God was already working on me, by letting me see the truth and the reality.

After three months, my situation seemed no better. Although the ascending paralysis stopped, I was totally paraplegic. The doctors thought my case would be reversible but as 60 days passed I still hadn’t progressed. That’s when they decided to let me have magnetic resonance imaging, (MRI), in St Luke’s. The MRI found that a small vein was swollen, blocking other veins and so blocking the message from the brain to my legs. That was why I couldn’t move them.

The doctors then suggested an operation that would cost between P80, 000 and P90, 000. Where would we get such money? The chances of survival were 50-50. If the operation was successful they weren’t sure I’d recuperate well. I might be normal or I might be comatose. We decided against an operation. I’d rather be alive and like this forever than gamble with my life. It seemed I was drowning, my mind swirling in limbo. All my hopes and dreams were dashed forever. I thought at that instant that dying would be sweeter and wonderful. There was no use in living. I’d be just a burden to my family. Yet my life had a purpose, it seemed, for I was still here in this world.

After I left hospital we never stopped seeking help from well-known faith healers and mga manghihilot. We tried almost everything. Bit by bit there was an improvement. But I also realized that we could be blinded by our desire to be healed. Some, in desperation and depression, had chosen suicide.

Today with the aid of crutches I can already walk to and fro across the room. Both legs are still numb but I can deliberately use and move them now. Though not totally healed, I’m still thankful to God. Everyday is a new opportunity to learn. I’ve discovered who my true friends are, friends in good times and in bad. I’ve understood and felt what it’s like to sit all day in a wheelchair, what’s it like to be unable so see the beautiful sunrise and sunset.

Yes, God has a plan for me, to bless and not to harm. I just have to trust Him. This way He can bring out the best in me. Sometimes it’s through trial and difficulties that our talents are refined. Stuck in my wheelchair, I’ve grabbed the opportunity to learn how to play music.

The most important thing is to have faith, faith to trust God and His words no matter the circumstances are, whether or not He does miracles, faith to wait for His promises to come to pass, regardless of what we experiencing at present. May I walk with faith!