In Him Alone

By Noe Hijara Pedrajas

It was the summer of 1990, fiesta day in our barrio, when my best friend died of leukemia. He was only 27, I was 12. Every time I remember that sad day, I feel like crying, though I try to hide my pain with a smile. He was my best friend, so loving, so dear to me. He seemed to possess everything I could want in a friend. He would hug me whenever I felt alone. He was fun to be with. He would defend me against the taunts of others. He was creative and helped me with my school projects. I remember in sixth grade our class was assigned to make a bamboo vase. Not even my father knew how to make one. I didn’t know what to do. My best friend came to my rescue and helped me fashion it.

Why my brother?

Kuya Totong

It is hard to lose someone so valuable, someone like my dear Kuya Totong. He was the eldest among my siblings. To me he was more than a plain kuya; I considered him my very dear friend. The pain I felt at his death is indescribable. I felt lost; everything seemed dark. That fateful day of 4 April 1990 shattered almost everything in me. My friend, my dear brother, was gone. . . not just for a moment, but forever. It meant that we would no longer enjoy each other's  company. It meant that I would no longer feel his reassuring hugs and kisses. It meant that I could no longer turn to him for guidance. I was disconsolate and in my young heart I turned to God with my puzzled question. I asked him, Ngaa utod ko pa gid imo ginkuha haw? Why should you take my brother away? I resented God and accused Him of playing favorites. Why did He take my brother? Why not somebody else? My brother was a good man; he never gave our parents cause for worry or pain. He loved God; he loved life; he had plans, not only for himself but also for us, his six siblings. So, why him, God? It was the age-old question of a person who didn’t understand the ways of God.

My mother’s faith

Days passed into weeks, months and years. I am now a grown man myself, but can still feel the pain I felt that day. If it was hard for me to accept what happened to my brother, all the more so was it for my mother. There was no logic to my brother's early death. But she clung to her faith for consolation. She too, had come to accept that God's ways are not our ways and that life must go on!

Just two years after my brother's death, my father followed him to the grave on 4 December 1992. This second blow to my life rekindled the pain I felt at my brother's death. Again, I questioned God. Again, my mother didn’t understand. Amid all the pain, the loss, the lack of understanding, however, she remained firm in her faith - no questioning, no resentment, no bitterness, just tears of sorrow. Life went on; it had to. My mother bravely faced the task of supporting our family. We fell into hard times. My brothers and sisters had to stop schooling in order to help support our family. We complained, yes, we did, but somehow there was hope in our hearts that someday with God's help, we would be blessed with good fortune.

Seeing beyond the suffering

How true is the saying attributed to St Thérèse of the Child Jesus that everything in life is grace from God. Whatever we experience - failure, disappointment, despair, anxiety, pain of loss, enmity, infamy and disgrace, seemingly never ending struggles, happiness, greatness - all is grace from Him. We can only discern this if we regard them with the heart, with the inner eye of faith.

I strongly believe that with the eyes of faith we can see God behind life's seeming absurdity. Life may indeed seem absurd at times; that is why many times we find ourselves confused and lost. Thus we succumb to our weakness, which is to seek happiness in worldly things, with nary a thought of God at all. We mistake these worldly things as essential, rather than regarding them as they really are, passing, inconsequential things. We believe that they can satisfy our inner hunger, only to find out in the end that they cannot. It is for this reason that we should always cling to God even and especially during moments of trial.

The meaning of pain

Faith, then, sees life's pain as gain. Many times pain comes to us and overwhelms us and we are tempted to surrender, to give up. The sad thing is, we get so involved in our misery that we fail to see God's hands moving in our lives. This situation is confounded when we turn to God and feel a dryness, an absence. It is during times like this that God is nearest to us, closer to us than we are to ourselves. He embraces us with His reassuring love. What then is the meaning of pain? Pain can strengthen our faith, that faith that gives life and light. Faith strengthened by pain is God's way of making us gain, giving us the courage, have full trust and confidence in no one else but Him alone.

The Lord Jesus who is Light Himself assures us that there is light behind the darkness. The grace He gives us is superabundant, if only we wouldn’t lose hope and faith. Faith in Jesus urges us on, despite our frailties, to accept His will, even if it means losing everything, even those we love - a brother, a best friend, a father. Faith in Jesus urges us to burn our bridges behind us and walk with hope in the now and toward the future.