The Agony And The Ecstasy
By Jackie Parkes
The author lives in Birmingham, England, with her husband Andrew, a policeman, and their ten children. She used to keep a blog where this article, slightly amended here, first appeared on 8 November last. It appears here with Jackie’s permission.
November is often a painful time for me. Eight years ago, after the birth of my tenth child, Jacinta, in October 2000, I was plunged into a darkness so deep it was unbelievable. Something went very wrong with my head such that I, ‘super-mom’ of nine couldn't seem to dress the baby with ease. Things reached the point where my mind retreated, leaving a shell.
Andrew, my husband, took over the complete care of the baby and the other nine children. Our magnificent eldest, Jennifer, was just 13 and helped enormously.
After four weeks I called a doctor. Thus began the strangest thing. She was a convert from New Zealand and the first thing she asked us was if we would like to pray a decade of the rosary with her. I thought to myself ‘there must be a God’. Every visit she made thereafter began with prayer. However my illness was going to be a very lengthy and excruciatingly painful one for everyone. Fr Paul Chavasse, provost (superior) of the Birmingham Oratory and postulator of the cause of Cardinal John Henry Newman, often talks about modern man having a fear of death.
This always touches a nerve because there is a different kind of fear of death and dying. It is a common symptom of a severe, life-threatening and disabling depression. Something happens to the brain's chemicals and all one can think of is death, dying, suffering. It is intensely painful. The pain of severe depression is perhaps not really understood by those who have not experienced it. Prior to this I had no idea what it meant. Surely they could 'pull themselves together'? Anyway how come I, with wonderful friends and family’ had 'depression' since I was extremely happy at delivering a tenth healthy child?
So began a regime of treatments . . . eight anti-depressants, false days of recovery, only to relapse, terrific weight gain, a cruel side-effect of psychiatric medications, inability to function, becoming bed-ridden . . . the list went on. After a full year they put me on lithium and then I began a slow, arduous, painstaking recovery. I made myself get up, get dressed, exercise . . . but it was ‘automatic’.
Pain, agony, and with severe depression you just go lower and lower and then you are consumed with thoughts of suicide but without any attempt at it, called 'suicidal ideation'. It scared the wits out of me. I asked the doctors why I was thinking of such a thing. It is very common in acute depression. This was enormously frightening to the whole family. By the grace of God alone I never acted on the thoughts or made a suicide attempt but take it from me, don't think that anyone is exempt at some point from doing so. This is why legalized suicide is so terrible.
In 2005 I had another breakdown, having come off my medications and thinking I was over my post-natal depression. I was diagnosed with bi-polar affective disorder. Did I always have this? Perhaps I had always been very high functioning, but had experienced no real depression and certainly no mania. This episode was truly horrific in a different way.
They put me on a drug called ‘risperidone’ and so began a side-effect called 'akathisia'. This is an extremely unpleasant subjective sensation of 'inner' restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless, hence the origin of its name, Greek for ‘without sitting’. It can lead to an almost indescribable sense of terror and doom. In some cases it can be so severe that the patient is literally compelled to take action, leading possibly to suicide attempts. It is often misdiagnosed. The doctors didn't pick mine up situation until I was literally running up and down continuously in front of them. I still have the card one of my daughters made for me with the words, ‘Dear Mom, I hope your legs wear down soon!'
Am I resentful that I endured so much suffering for so long? The psychiatrists were powerless. We were considering ECT (electroconvulsive therapy also known as ‘electroshock’). Psychiatry is basically trial and error - what works for one may not for another. Even Andrew my husband said, 'They wouldn't treat an animal like this'.
This is where the danger comes. Because the suffering is acutely unbearable the patient thinks to himself, ‘I'm causing all this fuss to this poor husband, children, friends . . . you're not getting any better . . . everyone's practically given up on you . . . best take a pill or have an injection’. Truthfully, I would have been first in line. The suicidally depressed person can't even glimpse a future.
I want to say to anyone suffering in a similar way to what I did, even through two or three years of awful agony, that recovery is possible. Writing this in November, the end of autumn and the beginning of winter in England, I feel absolute exhilaration (not mania) at being out in the fresh air, fitter and healthier than I have been for years. For me this is a true miracle. I do as ever thank my husband, family, friends, parish priest and Our Blessed Lord and Our Lady. Prayers at the graveside of the Venerable John Henry Newman also helped greatly. If I can give something back I would like to.
When I was ill I envied the Souls in Purgatory because they knew, though suffering intensely, that they were saved, whereas in the depth of despair and darkness of the depressed person there is no such assurance. I truly panicked that in my despair I had sinned against the Holy Spirit. But it was an 'illness' which made me think that euthanasia was a great idea. I can see clearly why we must fight against the evil of legalized euthanasia because I would have been dead long ago if there had been such in force.
I am more fulfilled with my life now than I have ever been. I almost feel a glimpse of heaven at times. My particularly faithful saint is St Padre Pio who had a great devotion to the Holy Souls. I know in the future I will have my share of sufferings. I do however plead to the Lord never to have a breakdown again. Whatever God wills.
· Between five and ten per cent of the population are suffering from the illness to some extent at any one time.
· Over a lifetime you have a 20 per cent, or one in five, chance of having an episode of depression.
· Women are twice as likely to get depression as men.
· Bipolar affective disorder is less common than depressive illness with a life-time risk of around one to two per cent. Men and women are equally affected.
You may email Mrs Parkes at rosary@blueyonder.co.uk
The author lives in Birmingham, England, with her husband Andrew, a policeman, and their ten children. She used to keep a blog where this article, slightly amended here, first appeared on 8 November last. It appears here with Jackie’s permission.
November is often a painful time for me. Eight years ago, after the birth of my tenth child, Jacinta, in October 2000, I was plunged into a darkness so deep it was unbelievable. Something went very wrong with my head such that I, ‘super-mom’ of nine couldn't seem to dress the baby with ease. Things reached the point where my mind retreated, leaving a shell. Andrew, my husband, took over the complete care of the baby and the other nine children. Our magnificent eldest, Jennifer, was just 13 and helped enormously.
After four weeks I called a doctor. Thus began the strangest thing. She was a convert from New Zealand and the first thing she asked us was if we would like to pray a decade of the rosary with her. I thought to myself ‘there must be a God’. Every visit she made thereafter began with prayer. However my illness was going to be a very lengthy and excruciatingly painful one for everyone. Fr Paul Chavasse, provost (superior) of the Birmingham Oratory and postulator of the cause of Cardinal John Henry Newman, often talks about modern man having a fear of death.
This always touches a nerve because there is a different kind of fear of death and dying. It is a common symptom of a severe, life-threatening and disabling depression. Something happens to the brain's chemicals and all one can think of is death, dying, suffering. It is intensely painful. The pain of severe depression is perhaps not really understood by those who have not experienced it. Prior to this I had no idea what it meant. Surely they could 'pull themselves together'? Anyway how come I, with wonderful friends and family’ had 'depression' since I was extremely happy at delivering a tenth healthy child?
So began a regime of treatments . . . eight anti-depressants, false days of recovery, only to relapse, terrific weight gain, a cruel side-effect of psychiatric medications, inability to function, becoming bed-ridden . . . the list went on. After a full year they put me on lithium and then I began a slow, arduous, painstaking recovery. I made myself get up, get dressed, exercise . . . but it was ‘automatic’.Pain, agony, and with severe depression you just go lower and lower and then you are consumed with thoughts of suicide but without any attempt at it, called 'suicidal ideation'. It scared the wits out of me. I asked the doctors why I was thinking of such a thing. It is very common in acute depression. This was enormously frightening to the whole family. By the grace of God alone I never acted on the thoughts or made a suicide attempt but take it from me, don't think that anyone is exempt at some point from doing so. This is why legalized suicide is so terrible.
In 2005 I had another breakdown, having come off my medications and thinking I was over my post-natal depression. I was diagnosed with bi-polar affective disorder. Did I always have this? Perhaps I had always been very high functioning, but had experienced no real depression and certainly no mania. This episode was truly horrific in a different way.
They put me on a drug called ‘risperidone’ and so began a side-effect called 'akathisia'. This is an extremely unpleasant subjective sensation of 'inner' restlessness that manifests itself with an inability to sit still or remain motionless, hence the origin of its name, Greek for ‘without sitting’. It can lead to an almost indescribable sense of terror and doom. In some cases it can be so severe that the patient is literally compelled to take action, leading possibly to suicide attempts. It is often misdiagnosed. The doctors didn't pick mine up situation until I was literally running up and down continuously in front of them. I still have the card one of my daughters made for me with the words, ‘Dear Mom, I hope your legs wear down soon!'
Am I resentful that I endured so much suffering for so long? The psychiatrists were powerless. We were considering ECT (electroconvulsive therapy also known as ‘electroshock’). Psychiatry is basically trial and error - what works for one may not for another. Even Andrew my husband said, 'They wouldn't treat an animal like this'.
This is where the danger comes. Because the suffering is acutely unbearable the patient thinks to himself, ‘I'm causing all this fuss to this poor husband, children, friends . . . you're not getting any better . . . everyone's practically given up on you . . . best take a pill or have an injection’. Truthfully, I would have been first in line. The suicidally depressed person can't even glimpse a future.
I want to say to anyone suffering in a similar way to what I did, even through two or three years of awful agony, that recovery is possible. Writing this in November, the end of autumn and the beginning of winter in England, I feel absolute exhilaration (not mania) at being out in the fresh air, fitter and healthier than I have been for years. For me this is a true miracle. I do as ever thank my husband, family, friends, parish priest and Our Blessed Lord and Our Lady. Prayers at the graveside of the Venerable John Henry Newman also helped greatly. If I can give something back I would like to.
When I was ill I envied the Souls in Purgatory because they knew, though suffering intensely, that they were saved, whereas in the depth of despair and darkness of the depressed person there is no such assurance. I truly panicked that in my despair I had sinned against the Holy Spirit. But it was an 'illness' which made me think that euthanasia was a great idea. I can see clearly why we must fight against the evil of legalized euthanasia because I would have been dead long ago if there had been such in force.
I am more fulfilled with my life now than I have ever been. I almost feel a glimpse of heaven at times. My particularly faithful saint is St Padre Pio who had a great devotion to the Holy Souls. I know in the future I will have my share of sufferings. I do however plead to the Lord never to have a breakdown again. Whatever God wills.
Who gets depressed?
· Depression is very common. (My priest told me 'It's more common than you think!')· Between five and ten per cent of the population are suffering from the illness to some extent at any one time.
· Over a lifetime you have a 20 per cent, or one in five, chance of having an episode of depression.
· Women are twice as likely to get depression as men.
· Bipolar affective disorder is less common than depressive illness with a life-time risk of around one to two per cent. Men and women are equally affected.
You may email Mrs Parkes at rosary@blueyonder.co.uk