By Sister Maryanne Terrenal, RGS
I am a Filipina Good Shepherd sister living in Korea. We Good Shepherd Sisters, as everybody knows, try to help girls and young women rejected by society. Here in Korea, we have two homes for those who have not only received rejection from society at large but from their very own families, too. One of the problems that arises is, the absence of parents who will marry them off. On the other hand, we receive many requests from eligible bachelors who do not mind what kind of girl one has been as long as she is willing to live in the countryside. For here, as elsewhere the city is thought to be the best place to be in. so I decided to try my luck at “chungmeh”.
Only One Way
A “chung-meh” is arranging an introduction between two young people, with marriage in view. In the Old Testament, match-making was an art – Laban outsmarted Jacob by 14 years of free labor. In Korea, up to the present day, match-making is still the one and only way to prepare for marriage, and it is done with great caution and precision.
A Slap on the Face
To arrange a match, you have to see that the ages and family backgrounds match, the educational status, health, income, religious preference – all should match; and at the first meeting all of these are laid on the table by each person. Only then can an agreement be reached, whether they should part ways at once, or take a chance to have a second look at the prospect. There are professional match-makers, out to make money for themselves. If a match succeeds, the match-maker gets a stout monetary reward from the couple. If it fails, so I heard, the matchmaker receives a slap on the face.
Wrong Attire!
A girl I knew planned to solve the problem herself. Like many of her contemporaries nowadays, they try matches among themselves, for a direct and first hand proposal is still taboo. My girl made the private preliminary introductions, and appointments were made for the official first meeting, at a fashionable restaurant, according to custom. The snag came about when the young lady to be matched arrived – dressed in her usual casual attire, blue jeans, raincoat, tennis shoes. It wasn’t the right costume for the occasion. And well, if even God rejected the guest who was not properly dressed for the wedding party, how much more understandable that a prospective bridegroom, being only human, should think second thoughts about a prospective bride who does not care to dress for the occasion?
Successful Match
The first and only time I ever witnessed a Korean traditional wedding was when Paula was brought home by her Prince charming, oldest son of the village chief, richest man in the locality. No matter that Paula had been reared in an orphanage – she had a family name she and the in laws could boast of.
A Little Coaching
Another successful chung-meh was solemnized by no less than our bishop. This one almost did not work out at first. The young man came with a big bouquet of flowers each time, but he would not open his mouth nor look at the young lady. So I coached him a bit and then sent them off to the park. That evening the girl was smiling sweetly and before long the parents of the man had been to see the bishop about wedding arrangements. Today with two children, the poor city girl is still trying to adjust to farm life with great difficulty, so the man is thinking of moving to town.
Marriage Bureau
Five years ago I got a letter from a 30-year-old man who said he would marry even a girl with a past. I wrote back saying there was an unwed mother who would love to have a father for her little girl. They met each other and he fell in love not only with the mother but also with the one-year-old baby. He promised to adopt the child and made arrangements for the woman to meet his mother. Also SOP. The family was acceptable, it seemed, but the prospective bridegroom was temporarily unemployed. The mother knew better than to entrust the mouths to be fed to a jobless man. The man, on the other hand, could not bring himself to say a definitive goodbye, Koreans will never say or do anything in your presence to displease you. He wrote me a nice long letter saying he was moving out and as soon as he had settled down he would pursue his suit. I promptly dismissed the case from my mind, and sure enough he was never heard from again.
Rosary Around His Neck
Until a few days ago. Some man phoned he wanted to visit me. When he came, for the life of me I could not place him at al. He explained who he was, and as a sign he showed the rosary that was hanging from his neck, a memento he had kept from his first visit. After he had written me, he had gone in search of a job and got employed in the cattle ranch of a Protestant missionary. He met a girl there and after six months of courtship under the eyes of the minister who did the chung-me, they had gotten married and were living “happily ever after”. Except that his conscience still bothered him about that first match (or mismatch); hence this visit of apology.
Graciously I told him that the lady had even then decided against the match but there was no way of communicating with him. I also said I was very happy that he had finally gotten married and settle down. The woman had also found a man who loved her, I assured him. Chung-meh’s are made by fools like me, but only God can make a marriage be. Wait, how does it go? “Marriages are made in heaven.”