Candle in the Dark
By Mandy Ochoa
Photo Courtesy : Abs-Cbn
I felt I was on top of the world I had everything I wanted: fame, girls, my own car and my own house. But I wasn’t happy I felt empty inside.
My real name is Emmanuel which means God is with us. It is a name that holds a special significance during Christmas time because it’s the same name that was given the Lord Jesus Christ when he was born in Bethlehem – God coming to the world to be among us. And now that Christmas is just around the corner, I feel that special affiliation to Jesus once again. I feel lucky to have been named after Him. And I join the rest of the world in welcoming the wonderful, joyous Christmas season, at the same time commemorating the birth of our Savior and joining in the merry revelry that comes with the season.
Broken Marriage
But I did not always feel this way about Christmas. Nor about Jesus Christ, Nor about my family. As far back as I could remember, my life had always been miserable, and my unhappy childhood started when, at age 8, I became a hapless victim of broken marriage. My parents went their separate ways. If my three older sisters and I never did entertain hopes that they would still get back together and we would become one big, happy family once again, those hopes were shattered when my mother got a divorce in the United States and then married an American when I was 12.
Step Father
I had to live with my mother and her new husband in the U.S. Being separated from my real father was painful enough. But what made it an even more heartbreaking experience for me was that I did not get along with my stepfather. He tried to control my life, and I would not let him. I confess, I hated him, but because I loved my mother and did not want to be separated from her, too, I had to endure the kind of life I had.
Did not ‘know’ God
Back then, I felt so alone, so lonely, and because of it, I felt that God was a God who was difficult to reach, he seemed so far away. He was simply not there for me. Since I was raised by my real parents as a good Catholic, I did not believe in God, but my knowledge of Him was based only on what I had been taught. I prayed the standard prayers like Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be, I went to church every Sunday, and I grew up believing in God but not really knowing Him personally.
New World
When I turned 18, I decided that enough was enough between my stepfather and me, I came back to the Philippines for a vacation, and I ended up joining the world of modeling. I found out that I could have a wonderful social life and I could get all the attention I needed in my New World. I played basketball to keep fit. I took drugs, too, and I did not feel the least bit guilty about it.
New Life, new direction
My life took a different direction when I met Douglas Quijano, a successful talent agent, in Los Angeles back in 1993. He offered to help me embark on a career in show business. I accepted his offer and was soon back in Manila to give it a try. Aside from doing movies, I also did one commercial after another.
Ozone Disaster
That time, I felt I was on the top of the world. I had everything I wanted: fame, girls, my own car and my own house. But I wasn’t happy. I still felt empty inside, I thought things would change when I met Ina, a beautiful model, in 1995 and she became my girlfriend. But death robbed her from me. On that fateful Monday, I was deep into the rehearsals for play titled Kristo, where I played Peter. A message came through my pager. It came from Ina, who was at the Ozone Disco with her relatives. She wanted me to follow them to the disco as soon as I was through with rehearsals. I did not make it, though, since my rehearsal lasted deep into the night.
The following morning, I received the shock of my life. There, all over the papers, was the news that fire ate up Ozone Disco the night before. Immediately, I thought of Ina and checked on her. But she was gone. Gone forever, I could not believe that it was happening to me. I came so close to death and I survived, but I lost Ina in the process. For weeks, I just flowed with the tide. I did not have the zest that I used to have for life.
Oasis of Love
My co-actors, who were doing Kristo with me, noticed the change in me, especially since I spent a lot of time crying in the restroom. My co-actors, Rez Cortes approached me one time. He told me he belongs to a Charismatic community called the Oasis of Love which is composed mostly of people from show business -- actors, directors. He invited me to a Life in the Spirit Seminar to be conducted by the Oasis of Love Community. I had been invited several times in the past, but I always declined. This time, I accepted the invitation. I needed something, anything, to get my mind off Ina and the tragedy that befell her.
Let Go
The Baptism in the Holly Spirit led by Father Sonny Ramirez, spiritual Director of the community, that took place during the seminar turned out to be an electrifying experience for me, when the others were praying over me I felt electricity rushing from my head to my toes. I saw my hands and fingers deform like a crab, and my body slanted and came close to falling, I heard a voice in my heart say, “Don’t worry, I’m holding you. You won’t fall.” I raised my hand and surrendered all my heartaches, fears and disappointments to God. When Father Sonny whispered to me,” My son, let go,” I felt that I was cleansed.
Candle in the Dark
I belong to the world of show business and temptations lurk at every nook and cranny. But I always try to be a candle in the dark, whenever possible, I requested my directors to start our shooting sessions with a prayer. Oftentimes, they oblige, seeing the wisdom and the power of prayers. That was exactly what happened when I did the Johnson’s TV Commercial where I held a baby close to my chest. I prayed for the part and got it. On the shooting day itself, I asked the director if we could start with a prayer, and he agreed. Everyone involved in the production formed a circle and I led the prayer. When it came time to do the actual shoot everything fell into place. As I approached the crib and lifted the baby up, tears fell from my eyes and I felt the love that exist between a father and a child between me and my father in heaven.
Emmanuel
I belong to the world of show business, which can sometimes be a breeding ground for sin. But I try to make a difference, choosing my roles and movies carefully, refusing to curse even if it’s in the script and always trying to be upright and right in His eyes. But I am not perfect, and sometimes my candle flickers. There are times when the light goes out completely. But I always search for a match in the darkness and use it to light my candle again. My source, of course, is the one after whom I was named Jesus, the Emmanuel, the light that began to illumine the world - yours and mine – on the first Christmas day.
Salamat sa Kerygma