Miss Me But Let Me Go

Auring and the late Pilar Tilos

By Auring Luceño

“Don’t look too far in the future, Auring. Live life each day for you will never know what will happen tomorrow.” These were the last words I heard from Pilar that evening a few hours before she died. Auring Luceño tells the story of Pilar Tilos from Negros, her co-lay missionary in Pakistan

She felt tired

Pilar on that last evening had planned our return to Shadbagh. She told me she was feeling very tired and would need rest so we decided not o rush the next morning and I’d wait till she was ready to go. When she didn’t come down for breakfast the next day we didn’t worry as she seldom took breakfast the next day and I had her instruction not to wake her up. Later in the morning people started worrying. Four of us lay missionaries and two ordained Columbans knocked loudly on her door while calling out her name and when there was no response we knew there was there was something wrong. The door was forced to open as it was locked from inside and there we saw Larps, as we called her, peacefully lying in her bed as if in a very deep sleep. Among the many things we saw on top of the small table beside her bed was a copy of the Columban Mission turned to the article “In the House of the Lord” which she must have been reading that night. Later in the afternoon when we washed her we discovered her rosary beads in her clasped hands.

Murree

When memories are all you have, remembering thing to do. One of the beautiful memories I shared with Larps was the two and a half months we spent in Murree doing the language course and then the annual Columban Retreat. Larps shared with me about the death of a very close friend of hers and gave me a copy of the poem “Miss Me But Let Me Go”. She asked me to read in the event of her death. She asked me to read the poem before her, making sure I’d deliver it with feeling. In one of our Saturday evening prayers she reminded me of the poem and I once again read the poem to her. Then there was these evening walks which the three of us never missed especially when the moon was full, and the computer, guitar and piano lessons we tried to teach each other to make the most of the lovely opportunity of being in Murree.

Back to Lahore

Coming back to Lahore after Summer Larps and myself were enrolled in an art course for faith and development. Since Murree, she felt commuting to and from the studio was too much for her at times. She’d miss some classes. She always made the class livelier. Being harassed by men while traveling or crossing the railway bridge made mobility more difficult for us. Keeping each other company and protecting each other kept us going. Among the beautiful gifts that Larps had shared with us was her sense of humor. Being able to see the brighter side of things even when at times all looked so dim; the joyfulness of spirit and such a big heart for the marginalized shared in her simple and humble ways. Caring for the sick, she has touched a number of lives with her acupuncture, acupressure and herbal medicines healing not only the body but he heart as well.

Lights around Pilar's grave

Ready to Die

It may take some time to heal the heart but I’m at peace in the knowledge that Larps was ready to die, and somehow prepared for it. A few months before we left for Murree, we bought her a dress which she liked so much. Thinking it looks too elegant to be worn in Shadbagh, she kept in the locker saying she’ll wear it at her funeral. She reminded me of the dress a few days before New Year Came. That same day she taught me how to put make up on her face the way she wanted it done in the event of her death.

Happiest Christmas

During our Columban Review of Life before the day she died, among the number of things she shared was the experience of Christmas which she considered to be the happiest since she came to Pakistan and the joy of being part of the Columbans, saying; “You are my family- I will miss you all.”

I heard and saw all of these and I kept them all in my heart. Yes, Larps left at her own pace and at her right time, having tried to live out her commitment to the full she is indeed a soul set free.