LIFESTORY

Kuya, it has been a heart-rending decision to write this, not just to open my heart and let you know the turmoil going on inside, but because of love. So out of the cry of my spirit I bring it into the open, my heart imploring, readers empathizing, and my pen testifying. I thank the Holy Spirit for giving me this venue provided by Misyon where I can open up, since you shut your door to us.

There is this struggle on where and how to begin, compounded by a welling-up inside of me, that my pen must patiently write down, notwithstanding the premature tears that have already formed in the corner of my eyes.

Yes, all this started because you turned away from God, from love, from us. It was way back in 1995 that you began to change. You were an accomplished seaman then, on your way to reaching your higher goals. Sadly though, it also went to your head. You thought you were invincible, a man of the world, so confident that you even scorned death. In your pride you became a law unto yourself (Habakkuk 1:7). We watched helplessly as you ignored us, our parents heaving sighs of despair over your stubbornness. And the gun.

Yes, the gun. This thing that turns you on turned you in. Court, jail, homicide, bail. Love. A sudden twist? No, I cannot add love to the list. Love is unto itself only, second to none. It is as it is, in the same sense as when the Lord said, ‘I Am who I Am’ (Exodus 3:14). So what am I driving at? Love was there before your life began, was there when you hit rock bottom, and, with tears brimming in my eyes now, will be there in the end though we may never know what tomorrow may bring. Kuya, Love is all-encompassing, you can never contain It. Whatever your doubts may be about it, Love nevertheless does not have any doubts about you. It is waiting so patiently for you to come around and recognize its embrace.

Year 2007. Ten years. We are still waiting. You claim that you are different now, but sadly what you do seems only ritualistic. The prayers and devotions you do, have they really gotten to your heart? Every year you go to Cebu City to renew your devotion to the Blessed Sto Niño. Tell me, did you go through all those heavily packed ships and hours of standing in line only to set aside the holy encounter as soon as you got home, if not totally forgetting the spiritual graces you received? Were they done merely to placate God? No, I refuse to believe this. For I could see that you are sincerely supplicating God, only that you have not been patient.

Kuya, God cannot be mocked. God cannot be tested. Neither can we hastily pray to Him. We cannot be ambivalent in our faith. I say ‘we’ for all of us are struggling followers of Christ and guilty of the same weakness. Perhaps, like a vessel where you might have simply dumped your prayers and supplications, filling it with all your cries, thinking that when it is full to the brim, God must surely be forced to answer. Sometimes in our agony we are tempted to ‘blackmail’ God with our long list of prayers said and Masses offered.

Kuya, please let me remind you that God can wait forever, for what are days and years to Him (Ps 90:4)? You have been impatient all these years, betraying such impatience in your drunkenness as you shout invectives. And that identity you sadly hold on to – let go of it. It is no longer yours. What is the use of a long-dried up laurel wreath that crumbles to pieces with each pathetic wave of your hand?

And now, a gun again. Was God’s first bitter lesson not enough for you? Up to what extent must you stretch His Divine and Holy Patience? I fear for you, my heart bleeds for you, my dear only brother. When will your stubbornness end? But love will not give up on you. We love you. Always. Simple. Must we quantify and qualify that? But neither can we turn a blind eye to what you are doing, destroying yourself again. 

Rebuke you? Yes, and that is a resounding yes, for we can still give you our love and support without turning a blind eye to justice. Time and time again we have eaten our words, swearing not to be there when you get into trouble, yet we are there upon hearing your cry from behind bars. Is love like that? Well, is God like that? My answer is yes, God and love are like that, to a depth that can never be fathomed.

Kuya, love endures forever. To love you unto the end is better than to shed tears of regret over your dead body. We are not striving for any crown, but only that the longing we feel for you might be satisfied while still here on earth. My dear brother, have I said enough? Does this letter cause you so much pain and humiliation that you shout right through my ear:‘Enough!’?

Have I said what must be said? There is a lot more to say but there isn’t enough paper to document it all. But my assurance lies in my faith that words left unsaid have been written in the vastness of God’s heart. For didn’t God repeatedly whisper them into your ears way before this letter, but you just wouldn’t listen?

Kuya, please come back. We love you so much.

The author’s name and address are with us.