By Vic Apacible
The deal I made that Christmas led to my “accidental” vocation.
I had a normal childhood, adolescence and early adulthood spent in San Juan. Besides Sunday Mass I had no time for spiritual matters. I finished dentistry at the UERMA in Sta. Mesa in 1985 and passed the dental board exam the following year, after which my dentist-cousin offered me a partnership in a dental office in Legaspi Village. My family then transferred residence to a nearby village, I was not taking my profession as a dentist seriously though, because I was doing some business on the side – real estate, cars, fax machines – successfully rolling the money my mother has loaned me.
Unlike many of the young men I hung around with, I was not into gambling, alcohol, or drugs, though I was into marijuana for a short period of time. Our group’s main concern was how to be able to have girls and more girls “to play with”. We classified them into the “disente” (decent), whom we almost worshipped and did not dare touch, and those whom we treated as objects. As a result, I led a highly promiscuous sexual life. I’d start a typical day figuring out who I’d go out on a date with that night.
Everywhere I went I never failed to bring tablets for my migraine – and condoms! Getting infected with VD was a constant fear, even if I did have a couple of serious involvements that even to led to talk about marriage, I was never faithful to them; in fact, oftentimes I would get caught in my infidelity.
In 1987 I received the approval of the petition papers for being a US immigrant; my parents, brothers and sisters had earlier on become American Citizens. I left for the US to become a green card – holder.
Life in the Big apple overwhelmed me. And, inflamed with the spirit of exploration, and because I discovered and inexpensive way to travel, I shuttled back and forth between New York and different places. In Different places. In Europe, for instance, I would visiting holy and not so holy places, like when I proceeded to the south of France where the nude beaches are and then to Lourdes the next day.
Back in the US sometime in March 1988, I came across a book on Medjugorje. This had interested me a lot, and immediately after reading the book I phoned my travel agency to inquire if could still avail of those chief plane fares, I’d been using. Luckily I could; so off I went, all at a few hours notice.
There I did not get to witness any extraordinary event as the book presented, or as my companions did. But after this trip things got to be different. A devotion to our Blessed Mother was kindled; on the train from Medjugorje, I remember struggling to recall the rosary and the prayer after the “Hail Holy Queen.” But I wasn’t so conscious of what was really going on....
I went back to the Philippines soon after, where I became more prayerful and paid more visits to the Blessed Sacrament. I attended Mass more often. I purposefully had my new car not installed with a radio. It was for me a very good opportunity while driving between Alabang and Makati to pray all the 15 mysteries of the rosary as our Lady suggested in Medjugorje. Giving other people a ride came almost naturally; it was a wonderful experience to be of some help to others.
I engaged in sex less frequently. It might have been because of my love and devotion to Our Lady growing strong that my treatment of and respect for women greatly improved.
For some time my girlfriend has been harping on marriage, everything looked good, with both families agreeing to our choices for a lifetime partner. But I knew hat marriage is a permanent commitment, something I had been trying to avoid or felt I was not yet ready to face. Because of that and because I wanted to give her a chance to met others, just in case we would not end up together, we cooled off. Besides, here was something which was giving me a strange feeling of some lack- something incomplete.
It was almost the Christmas of 1988 or 1989 when, for some strange reason, I attempted, for a change, to offer lord something I truly cherished, something of real value and significance to me. In all my previous Christmases, I was always petitioning the Lord for one favor after another; that particular Christmas was to be different, I was having great difficulty as to what to offer Him, but all of the sudden, it dawned upon me to offer a life of chastity for a period of time, at least before marriage or something of that sort. It was something like a contract renewable after a period of year. That seemed tough, if not impossible. Since this was a big undertaking, I thought it reasonable to make a “deal” with the Lord and so I did.
A very big test came a few weeks after Christmas. Who should come my way but this wonderful lady I had long wanted to go to bed with. After frolicking at the beach, we found ourselves alone, and one thing precariously led to another. To my great surprise, I managed to hang on to the deal! Very clearly it was not anymore my power at work, but surely a power of Someone else infinitely more powerful! My realization was: with His grace, it was possible after all to lead such a chaste life. On my own, it would simply be impossible...
It did not end with that, because many similar occasions arose. For example. I also got involved much later with a beautiful, former contemplative nun; at the moment that I was hungering for spiritual matters, she provided me with those which helped my friendship was developing. Again, one thing led to another but the deal was kept.
All these temptations were clearly a test, but the wonderful thing about it is that conquering these “test” made me stronger. As a further consequence, I was able to focus my energies on things more positive, worthwhile, and other –centered, instead of selfish and worldly ways. Very clearly all this was possible only because of the grace the good Lord had given, through the intercession of Our Lady. Otherwise I would long have stumbled. Because of that fantastic year, I decided to renew “my contract” for another year.
Things happened very clearly after that, I stumbled onto Center for Peace –Asia and met Fr. Reynaldo Lorredo, S.J., who became my spiritual Director. The next thing I knew, I was seriously considering the priesthood.
When my parent learned of this, they took off for America rather hastily thinking it would be that soon and not wanting to be left alone at home. They were really shocked about my life decision, my mom most especially. This left me all alone in our house in Alabang for a whole year. But that turned out to be a good chance to reflect further on my rather sudden decision to try to seminary.
Things feel into their rightful places, I was guided to apply to the Holy Apostles Senior Seminary and was accepted, I feel this seminary suits me perfectly. More importantly, it is here the good Lord led me. Adjusting to seminary life was both very difficult and at the same time fantastic. Here I learned to be focused to truly study, to be more responsible. I am not in a bed of roses; my struggles continue, but I feel and am quite sure that I an on the right path because of a great sense of peace and joy. I am slowly continuing to know and accept myself, to truly grow as God would want me to, to lice a meaningful, not shallow life. I found one more father in the person of my new Spiritual Director, Fr. Benjamin Carlos, SJ.
To this very date, I have managed to hang on the “contract” I made with the Lord. It is no longer a renewable contract but rather a perpetual deal; I have no regrets. It has become easier and easier to live such a life with His blessings. This has greatly changed my life for the better. It didn’t dawn on me immediately, but later on I realized that Our Lady in Medjugorje was really the starting point of my conversion, and perhaps my vocation.